so..
in reference to that linked entry earlier..
P. says she doesn’t remember asking me to post. I have full motion video memory of her, in the last few days, saying I should post more, with the implication being (to me, anyway..) about our recent problems.
Which doesn’t, of course, mean it happened.
One of the annoying things about having experienced things that weren’t really happening once, is that after that, you’re never quite sure of your senses. Once you’ve had one really vivid, really beleivable hallucination, you can never know for sure if what you’re seeing, or remembering, is live, or memorex. Can I prove that it really happened, just because I remember it? No..
P. also commented that I shouldn’t be worried about J.’s decision to shuffle off this mortal coil because he had problems that I don’t. Well, possibly, but how can I know? I tried to tactfully ask L. why he chose to die – but she didn’t answer, which could mean many things – A: tact is not my strong suit, B: she missed the question, C: was too painful to think about (can’t blame her there..) D: she didn’t know or E: something else altogeathers.
P.’s third comment (or actually her second, I’m addressing her second two comments in reverse order.. from memory, so we’ll see if there are any massive discrepencies in my understanding of them.. the nice thing about computers is they’re very consistant..) .. anyway, P.’s second comment which I’m addressing third was that the passive-aggressive thing was more or less a tossed off comment.
Well, okay, to explain further. Me posting links to misc. mental disorders does not mean that I’m convinced I have them. It means I’m trying them on for size. My (mythical? since I like to pretend they aren’t there when I’m writing..) readers can comment ‘yep, that one’s you to a T’ or ‘No, that one has nothing to do with you’..
I saw a bit of myself in both the description of a passive-aggressive and the description of
Of course, maybe we all have a little bit of every disorder in us, and it’s only when one becomes dominant that it’s a serious problem.
It occurs to me that I wasn’t nearly sympathetic enough when D. was in the position I’m in now. (or have I been using V. to refer to h*? I don’t remember.. oh well, my old friends will all know who I’m talking about anyway). Now that the shoe is on the other foot and I’m the one remembering things that didn’t happen according to my SO, I realize how downright disturbing it is..
On the other hand, P. has also spoken a number of times lately of having a poor memory.. [which is strange, because she can apparently hold a matrix of several thousand ‘classic’ english titles in her head, to say nothing of assorted sea-bird facts, appointments, and who she needs to talk to about what.. I think what she means is she has a selectively poor memory, or there are some facts which don’t save well. I can relate – my memory is selectively poor as well. I guess we’re just not all built to store any arbitrary type of data you might choose to throw at us..]
I’m still waiting for my friend to arrive from the airport.. I should have woken up later, obviously.. 😉
Maybe I’ll go take a nap.
S.
September 8th, 2003 at 7:46 am
Well, even if you weren’t encouraged to post more, I personally like hearing more about what’s going on with you outside the technical world, relationship or otherwise.
With your general dislike for violence, I can’t imagine there are many ways for you to express anger outside of being passive-aggressive. Likely not at psychiatric level, but even if it were, is it something you’d personally want to change? While perhaps not true for all disorders, passive-aggressiveness seems to be in most people at least to some degree.
I think you were using V. but not sure. D. doesn’t look familiar in this context. 🙂
September 8th, 2003 at 9:23 am
I think I told you at some point that I have extremely vivid dreams that can create complete memories for me that are indistinguishable from reallife. So I know right where you are with that one.
As to passive-agressiveness, it sucks. But it’s incredibly common. I think you probably have some of that tendancy, mostly as a side effect of being conflict-averse. You would prefer not to talk about things that upset you, so you stew on them and hold them against someone in secret rather than getting them out in the open where everyone can be aware of them and potentially remedy them. So it’s something to be aware of and to work against, but not a real problem for you.
Also, anyone who reads the DSM will self-diagnose. As you said, we all see aspects of disordered mental states within our psyches, and in fact in moderation they are frequently beneficial. Certainly it can be incredibly useful professionally to be able to become obsessive on demand, as I’m sure you are aware.
Feel free to use me as a sounding board any time. I love hearing from you.