Never been one to let the carrier drop

I am paranoid. I can, at times, be paranoid delusional, but I think I’m pretty good at knowing when things are delusions. I do a lot of reality testing. Often.

I’ve been this way most if not all of my life. It’s gotten steadily worse. There was a period of my life where it was almost not there. And right now, I’ve got periods of time where it’s almost not there, thank you not sleeping and thank you future-Vicky.

Paranoia is a hard mental illness to live with. It’s gotten a lot easier this year though.. on the 29th, I found and removed a neural equivilant of a cron job that was feeding me consistant lines about how afraid I should be. I feel so much saner. I’ve been enjoying the silence quite a bit. I’ve had quite a few moments of feeling well and truly good. As you’ve all noticed, I’ve gotten a lot more honest and a lot more fuck-it-lets-say-anything on my blog. But paranoia pokes up and says “You will get fired for the things you’re writing”. Maybe.

Paranoia isn’t just a cron job feeding you lines like you’re about to end up in jail, God wants to torture you, you will end up homeless and hungry, none of your friends love you, etc. It’s also a set of pattern match filters that lead to irrationally large amounts of fear. The level of paranoia I feel about wetting myself could best be described as epic. Once at a rave it.. well, it didn’t actually happen, I fell in a puddle, but I *thought* it had happened because I was already orbiting bad bad bad mental spaces before it happened and I slipped into a delusion. I’m horrible at reality testing. I don’t remember much of what happened afterwords other than my mind crashed.

It’s a never ending fear. The worst part is it’s on a flippin’ timer, for obvious reasons. I can’t get away from it. I can be at home, alone, and I will still be afraid of it. As if it could possibly matter. It can’t possibly be a fear of being dirty because (isn’t sex fun) I like when female types wet on me during sex. And find it insanely sexy to see them wet their clothes, which I have to conclude is at least somewhat jealousy.

I am convinced this is not normal. I mean people feeling a minor fear of it, sure. Avoiding it, sure. But a my-brain-crashes fear of it? A reality goes dim and I can’t breathe panic attack fear of it? This is not normal.

And I’m a bit afraid to talk about all this on my blog, and I can’t rationally think.. is talking about what you like sexually a reasonable reason to fire someone? What is up with my head?

Part of the fun if you’re paranoid is figuring out, which fears are totally rational and match a real world, and which fears are totally irrational and are my mind misfiring somewhere.

And a even bigger part of the fun if you’re paranoid and also know you have a CE is realizing you could be experiencing something you’re deeply afraid of being created out of whole cloth just because your mind likes to torture you. 10^11 neurons is a fucking big supercomputer. Generating the reality I’m sitting in right now would be child’s play for it.

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 8th, 2015 at 11:58 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.