One dance left.. this world is gonna pull through..
I create using the metaphors I know of to create with. I am basically a author.. a author of software, which are precise lists of instructions, and a author of hardware, which again are precise lists of instructions, sometimes instructions for my hands or the hands of others.
I don’t know what else to do, but to create and to always try and give more than I get.. to see and encourage life and love everywhere I see it.. to, basically, be me.
I’m tired of hearing lists of disorders that I might have. There is NO SUCH THING as a disorder. There are angers and pains that require the help of other people to remove, because anger and pain, left inside a mind, can eat it up (I think sometimes maybe) by building up into a feedback loop, just like a feedback loop in a machine.
But disorder implies bad order – has a negative connotation. I’m happy being me.. for the first time in rather a long time, I like myself. I grant you, I have a number of faults.. but they can be simultaneously features and bugs, and it’s up to us as individuals to decide whether we use them as features, or curse them as bugs.. or do both at the same time.
Life is a complicated and winding road.. as I travel on it, I learn things. I like to not lose the lessons I have learned, and as such, I must stay away from excess in all things – even learning too fast can be dangerous, because – as we note when a computer does backups, it can take some time to copy every detail that is important to building our own Truth.
I want to grow up without growing old or ceasing to be childlike. The wonder of the Universe, and the Omniverse beyond it (Universe = one verse.. Omniverse = all verses) is a beautiful thing. Learning science and technology are good for me, but so is learning spirituality and developing the waveforms that form my soul. Art and craft, chaos and order.. there are balances to be found in all things.
And.. be careful, because a lie can become the truth. (A line from a Divine Comedy song comes to mind.. ‘I’m the half-truth in the lie..’)
Reletivity is a interesting thing.. quantum mechanics more interesting still. The kiss of life – the spark that jumps, the new ideas that fork, the chains that dance in new and interesting ways.. the things that make us more than simple turing machines.. these things are all beautiful. I’ve spent too many of my days just hating the system.. but.. love the system, and it might be so suprised that it loves you back. After all, individuals are just collections of systems.. balances of electrolytes. A car battery is alive, in it’s own unique way, just like anything else.
I hope to speak with a professional counsoller about P. and the mistakes I made which I hope she will forgive me for, and the art of forgiving her and letting go of the dark spots while keeping the light ones. Let go and let Time and Fate decide whether we will be friends, and what sort of friends we will be.
I am glad to have Kayti as a lover – she is full of suprises, and so far it’s been wonderful being with her. I’m glad I got to spend some of Valentine’s day with her, even though we didn’t celebrate it as a official holidy. I’m not a big fan of official holidays anyway – I like to give my gifts when the resources are available for them, and get them when I need them most, rather than having a plan and a schedule for everything. But then, I’m not a planning and scheduling kind of guy. I understand that I must plan and schedule when interfacing with the business world, because that’s what the business world likes to do, and I like having the resources to buy toys – which ultimately turn out to be tools, or instruments of creation. As Heinlien wisely observed, money is the mundane means which permits the artist to exercise his craft – and I am a artist. I know this.. I don’t need anyone else to sign off on it for it to be understood within me to be true. I’m not just a wannabe.. I *am* a artist. I have made art. I will make better art in the future, because time helps us all develop our chosen arts.
I hope that my parents can find it within themselves to be proud of me.. but I’m going to be proud (and occasionally ashamed) of myself regardless. I am a individual, and as a wise friend has pointed out, I must accept and love myself for who I am. Ultimately, the best gift you can give a lover is to love yourself. This isn’t arrogance – and I do not want to be arrogant or condecending. I’m not better than anyone else here.. but I’m better at being me than everyone else here. I’m the real Sheer – or one of them, anyway. I’m the one that’s me.
Sometimes I think the whole world is a educational system.. world.edu, I’ve joked, and said I really wanted to be sheer@world.edu (sadly, you’re not allowed to have generic .edu names)
Anyway, I’m me, whatever, so I better like myself – and if I don’t like something about myself (i.e. using too much N2O), I’d rather change it than sit and spin on it, letting it develop into a feedback loop.
Addicted to life and creation…
February 14th, 2005 at 8:07 am
Absolutely NO idea what the hell has been going on with you, or to you for that matter. Your posts read more like some kind of New Age inspirational material and frankly that worries me somewhat because I have never really seen you act like this before in the past when I worked with you so I arguable somewhat concerned about my friends well being.
BTW, disorder does exist. It’s called entropy.
February 14th, 2005 at 4:49 pm
Okay. I acknowledge the point.. and life is apparently the opposite of entropy in that life builds new order out of chaos. Or have these words already been typed by another Sheer and am I completely not unique?
In any case, don’t be afraid for me or worried about me. I’m not joining any cult, or going completely insane (any more than I already was anyway), I’m just embracing different aspects of my personality and experimenting with them. The hardcore tech-head geek who can bang the ones and zeros is still there, and still quite functional – and getting more so every day. I just developed a new dimension, is all. Sheer, the new age aspect has been engaged.
Among other things, I’ve recently developed and hopefully beaten a drug addiction (to N2O, a industrial propellant that is astonishingly compelling. You may remember it from when you were a kid and had fillings).
Done with that one, not repeating it. Not smart. Kids, don’t try this at home. Or if you must, be VERY CAREFUL! N2O can be VERY addictive.
February 14th, 2005 at 10:37 pm
Oh Sheer… I’m so glad that you’re done with it… It makes me so happy, moves me almost to tears… I’ve been so worried, especially about this aspect of things.
*hugs*
February 15th, 2005 at 5:59 am
You said, “a lie can become the truth”. INDEED!
See, you may not like the word “disorder”, as it may be hard to think that one may be “in bad order”, but the fact remains is that our chemical makeup is soooo complicated, and some of us have differences in our brains that make us more depressed, or more this and that…
That is why doctor’s call it “disorder”.
When we fuck with our brains with drugs (I’ve been there too!), we change the chemical makeup of our brains. It’s been scientifically proven already, as far as I know. So, the Truth as we now see it, may actually be a lie…
So, do you trust yourself, knowing that you may have altered a few “personality wires” in your head? It’s a tough call.
I’m just glad you are going for help.
As you said, the greatest gift you can give someone, is to love yourself…and to quit punishing your body and mind.
As yourself, “What would Buddha do”.
🙂