mourning
So, i know I have to mourn Vicky, in much the same way i have to mourn Rebel. My friendship with her is a casuality of fear – i’m sure there will be more on this later. I hope someday it comes back, but for now it is as dead as the days when it was normal to just drop by people’s houses – as dead as the days when wwe just watched, eexperienced, and enjoyed a concert instead of videotaping it with our phones..
i wish it were easier to cry.. for my missing friend, for the pain tthat comes with my guesses of what she thinks and feels.. with rebel, it was easy to cry.. but with rebel, i wasn’t crying for something that happened 15 years ago.
January 3rd, 2015 at 2:19 am
It’s so funny.. not to mention hypocritical.. at the same time as I rant about how God can not command love, how love is not something that can be commanded, I’m also thinking I could somehow force a broken friendship to repair itself. I now understand that even if my friends had somehow been able to get it to be there, it would be a little like Pet Cemetary. The only way I can ever hope to have a friendship there is to throw the one that was there away. Which is what Clint was saying and what I pretty much did.. I just then got into the rather horrifying space of whether I was hallucinating all the rejection because I have such a high fear level that I expect rejection. Even if that’s the case (and in some ways it might be) – it’s been my experience and the only way the storyline can make sense to a mind that sees day following day is for the friendship to die the way it really did.. it just hurts and hurts because she made me feel so alive..
But others have also made me feel so alive.. strangely, I seem a lot more likely to break a friendship (male or female, this doesn’t seem to be about sex even though I try to tell myself that’s what it’s about) if it makes me feel that alive. Maybe I’m afraid of feeling that alive. Certainly there are parts of me that are actively hostile and destructive to the rest of me. I’m learning to find and remove them.
January 3rd, 2015 at 2:39 am
Well.. at this point I have at least cried some.. the right song cna work wonders.. not just for Vicky, but also for Daisy and Sally and four-footed-puppy-Sara ..
Advice to anyone who thinks it’s stronger not to cry / feel what you’re feeling – you’re wrong. You have to be far stronger to feel the emotion and accept it until it has passed.
January 3rd, 2015 at 2:41 am
I don’t in any way think I’m done crying for Vicky and Daisy and Rebel.. (I don’t think Vicky reads this blog, which is probably just as well as I don’t know how she’d feel about being lumped in with two canine friends) but at least.. there’s a little less pain there than there was.
I never really realized it, but those neural networks had been lit up frozen in time with that pain.. until I accepted it and experienced it, I don’t think it was ever going away.