Never been one to let the carrier drop

P. observed, in a conversation tonight, that we had traumatized each other. I wish this were less true..

I think my biggest problem is that I’m still in love with her, even though I recognize that for the last few years of our relationship we were hurting each other immensely. And letting go is not coming.. I mean, I haven’t even really been on a date per-se since breaking up with her several months ago. (unless you want to count hanging out with or as a date, but since there was zero romantic intention on either side (though both people are quite some people, and I’m sure I could feel serious amounts of attraction to either one – but in both cases, it’d likely not be reciprocal, and be a bad idea anyway for one or another reasons. I’m just thinking out loud again. Don’t mind me), I’m thinking no – hanging out with people of the female persuasion does not count as dating. In a date, there’s some possibility of some physical/sexual interaction and the intention is finding a lover or something similar. In these hanging outs, there wasn’t any physical intent and the purpose was mutual amusement.

There are actually a number of people who have expressed some interest in some physical interaction with me of one stripe or another.. and to all of you, I’m very grateful and touched.. (although I think none of you read my journal? I might be wrong..)

I would not mind some snuggling interaction at all. In fact, I’d pay money for some snuggling interaction. Probably large sums. Snuggle me, $50 a hour. $75, maybe even. Seriously, I was trying to figure out why this service isn’t offered. You can hire a prostitute, or a shrink.. someone to have sex with you or to talk to you.. but just try and hire someone to hold you and stroke you nonsexually and love you and reassure you. Can’t be done. Or at least, if it can, I haven’t figured out what it shows up in the yellow pages as. There are massage people, but they seem to specialize in pummeling your muscles into submission. Not what I want.

Tomorrow I have a dentist’s appointment, to get my fangs cleaned. As usual, I’ve let it go too long and I’m sure I’ll get some admonishments about flossing more and whatnot. Honestly, I’m suprised I have any teeth left.

I will return this body to the store very worn out, that much is clear. But I’d rather have a interesting life than a long one.

Would like to keep my intelligence as long as possible though. Am convinced I can do something with it to help the very screwed-up state of the world, if I only try. Not sure why that’s such a deep-rooted compulsion in me. But is.

I need to get over worrying about scaring or dissapointing anyone else. Sheer is the one we’re trying to keep happy here. Others who like what I am, will come along. There will be people like that, because what I am isn’t a bad thing. Some will not like what I am. Let them. That’s the way of the world.

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