Never been one to let the carrier drop

recently posted in her journal:

I don’t want a mate who only wants me if I can jump through a certain series of hoops and take a heap of abuse with a smile. I don’t need to be wealthy. I doubt I’ll find anyone who works; I’ll probably never have a family. I don’t believe in God. Why should I even bother studying for this test?

Strangely enough, I can relate. I think none of us want a mate who only wants us if we can only jump through a certain number of hoops – but all of us want certain things from our mates [both ‘mates’ in the sexual sense and in the, ‘eh, mate’ sense] and if they can’t provide, sometimes we find ourselves wishing they could and asking them to change..

And i’m as guilty of this as the next frood and probably doubly so – even though I hate it when people ask me to change. It’s all so awful – why are humans so broken and unhappy and isn’t there anything that can be done? JL’s voice echos in my head ‘You are not god’.

I mean, the other night I actually found myself yelling at myself internally.. ‘Look, they’re all just as afraid, and insecure, and as confused by the world as you are. There’s no reason why you can’t go up to the ones you don’t know and say hi. They’re not going to bite you, or make fun of you.. ‘

I guess that incident last year with the frat boys accusing me of looking gay and throwing water bottles at me and whatnot scared me off meeting new people more than I’d like to admit. Not that I’ve ever been any good at it anyway. But I do so want friends. Anyway, back to this test thing…

One of the things I was pondering recently was whether life was just a puzzle. Not a test, exactly, in the sense that I doubt it has pass/fail written all over it.. (I mean, what is a pass? Everybody hurts other people, everybody gets hurt, everybody dies, (almost) everybody pays taxes.. but a puzzle. What kind of puzzle, I’m not sure.

Like Lucienne, I’ll never have a family – by choice, I don’t want children for a whole lot of reasons. [
A: I’d make a horrible parent
B: this explains resource issues pretty well
C: It’s just not my thing

I’d like to think that I’ll still have the friends in 30 years I have now, but experience has taught me that some friends let link go dead, some friends die, and new friends appear.

As for why should anyone bother studying for the test – my only answer, and it’s not even reasonable, is because learning, when you’re not being graded, is joy. [Learning when you are being graded is evil, IMHO, but I know there are others who disagree with me strongly on this point, and even those who need the grades to motivate them]

Why should you keep playing this game? That’s a easier one. Because as long as you keep playing, you can always find winning moments. You can’t ever truly win, but you can have moments of happiness, and even joy. As soon as you stop playing, none of us know _what_ happens to you, but we presume you don’t get any of the above. And we’re all deprived of your company. 😉

I can see I’ve rambled in random directions again.

A friend of mine is trying to learn 3D rendering programs, and I’m likely to equip her with a computer powerful enough to handle that attempt. For some reason, this caused me to cast over a list in my mind of all the computer equipment I’ve given out over the years. Here’s a short list, because it amuses me:

1) JL – misc monitors, other hardware
2) Nicka – 486 laptop, AMD Athalon
3) Heather [friend of P.s] – P133
4) Lee – P-III, wireless networking hardware
5) – Celeron 433
6) Drachen – too much to list 😉
7) Pixel’s DJ friend – Celeron 433
8) DarlingBud’s boyfriend – P-II
9) Chris Mish – P-II, Pentium laptop
10) Woman [yes, that’s her alias] – 486

And I’m sure I’m forgetting a few. I don’t know why, but I’ve always liked giving out systems. Maybe it’s because I know how much entertainment value I get out of computers, and I like giving a gift that I think will give it’s receiver entertainment. [Of course, if I were to also add in all the hours of frustration, I might not look at it the same way.. but in ratio, the frustration is very small compared to the enjoyment].

This entry was posted on Friday, October 3rd, 2003 at 11:22 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.