so, no matter how depressed I feel today.. which is a pretty large quantitiy on the depressed-o-meter, I don’t know when I’ve felt this bad.. I really need to get off my ass, pick up the subwoofers, go get the CDs, figure out deco and how we’re getting into the building tomorrow and..
COme too far. Gotta finish up, gotta make it happen.
S.
After sleeping with the devil you’d love to close the book.. but you’ve gotta wonder how the baby’s gonna look
So I’m about at that point where I beg and plead for P. to come back to me. Which, of course, is a really pointless endevor.
I wonder what comes next in this ever changing roller coaster? I’m sorry I ever climbed on, I’ll say that much..
I admit that last post didn’t make a lot of sense. I knew what I was trying to say, but I didn’t do a very good job of saying it. In general, this election cycle has left me rather at a loss for words. Especially since I feel close to certain that Bush cheated, and that we’ll never even know about it. Look, I work on computers all day, every day.. and I wouldn’t trust a computer without a very, very, very, very good auditing system to record my vote, period. I especially wouldn’t trust one made by a company that Cheney has noticable amounts of stock in. I mean, we already know that lying – even to start a war – isn’t beneith these people. It looks like Cheney/Halliburton are going to get away with it cold..
Can’t we do *something*?
So yes, I’m still upset about this. It’s even made me several times momentarily forget missing P.
another friend of mine was chastizing me for not having set up a appointment with a counsoler yet.. and perhaps she’s right. But I don’t think anything but time is going to make this hurt any less. Until then, I’m sorry I’m no fun to be around..
I guess we should have known that america hasn’t grown up enough yet to recognize that being the playground bully isn’t moral – she’s only 250 years old, and that’s pretty young for a country.
And we should have realized that she hasn’t grown up enough to accept that everyone is free to love in their own ways, and that gays should have as much right to be married as straights. Again, she’s still a kid. Give her time.
Our generation will be in power soon enough. In the meantime, we can watch our parents continue their intolerence and stupidity, and learn carefully what they’re doing wrong, and make sure that we manage to do better. People seem to turn republican as they grow older.. if we watch closely enough, we can avoid that process.
I think the reason people turn republican is that the world beats them down. One or ten or a hundred times too many having things go wrong kills their idealism, and leaves them thinking ‘every man for himself’ – since that is basically the republican mantra. (I equate being republican with being a asshole for some reason. maybe it’s because so many of them are.. so selfish that they don’t even notice driving their SUVS is killing off the rest of the world, leading to wars over oil, etc, so narrowminded that they can’t accept any viewpoint that isn’t within 5 degrees of their own..
So, in order to avoid turning republican, we have to avoid being beaten down. Every time something really bad happens to us, as individuals or as a country, we have to manage to stand up and say, ‘no, I will not let this dampen my spirits, or darken might light!’
While it is tempting to just give up on the US, and move elsewhere – very tempting, since Bush may very well start WWIII – to do so would be to allow myself to be beaten down. And that way leads to becoming a republican.
How can people have decided? Am I wrong? Is killing people and lying to start a war okay with the rest of the country?
*cries*
Just when you think it can’t get any worse..
Now I’m starting to wonder what I do if more than 300 people show..
4 pages of posts on nwtekno. People I’ve never heard of in cities that are not seattle have heard of the event.
Next time we may have to rent a bigger place..
(and there will be a next time, unless it’s a utter disaster.)
Mischief committee, in Portland Oregon tomorrow! Plus, providing sound for event. Event details at http://www.nwtekno.org/vb/showthread.php?threadid=79352&eventid=18213
S.
Finished final remastering about 30 minutes ago. Watching the master disk get burned right now.
Exhausted.
Hope it’s good enough. I got it to where it sounded passible on my car stereo.. after Jesiah left, I continued to work at it, and think I’ve done about the best I can in the time I have. Still has many things that could be improved, but all in all, I think it’s a good work.
I hope so anyway.
S.
Okay, so I admit it, I’ve always found Eminem’s homophobia enough reason not to listen to him.. except, of course, the britney spears remix of ‘the real slim shady’ which I’ve always loved.
But recently I discovered the mushroom song, which I find hilarious in a darkly disturbing sort of way (partially because I can so see it happening..).. and then ‘Mosh’.. wow. Good work.
Me and Jesiah have been hard at work in the dungeon, chained to the multitrack deck, mastering. We’ve got 4 out of 5 tracks to where they sound sane on both my stereo and the 450s and somewhat sane on the Yamahas.. and only mildly crappy on the boombox. We’ll see if they pass the car stereo test, he took off with Tanya and a copy of them on CD. I’m only mildly apprehensive.. will they hate it? will it be awful? Only time will tell.. 😉
Anyway, it’s been good hangin’ out with him.
Finally cried yesterday.. for about a hour, too. For some reason, I will go years without really crying, and then when I do, it’s like everything coming out at once. So I feel somewhat better today..
Trying not to drool over Tanya. 😉 How does Jesiah get all these hot&cool girls to follow him around? Must learn his secrets. 😉 Maybe if I were younger? Who knows..
Perhaps I really need to be single right now, though.
*sighs* Sex.. and the persuit of it.. and love.. and the persuit of it.. and cuddles.. and the persuit of them.. take up a lot of our lifetimes..
I had a interesting observation tonight: the difference between a medicinal and a recreational drug – or one of the large differences – is that for the former, the judgement of someone other than the person being drugged is required, while for the latter, the individual can decide for themselves. Of course, everyone has a drug that they are ‘weak’ to – some people may never find that drug, possibly through the wisdom to know when to stop experimenting – that is to say, a drug that they can’t really trust themselves around. Or maybe not everybody..
Who knows.
Sex. Drugs. Techno. 😉 Life is good, at least in spots.
Tanya and Jesiah also found the Really Big Laser amusing.. Jesiah volunteered to be the first to guinea pig putting his hand in the beam, and, yep, it burns. Not awfully, though. They also set some paper on fire with it. Lasers. Gotta love ’em.
P. observed, in a conversation tonight, that we had traumatized each other. I wish this were less true..
I think my biggest problem is that I’m still in love with her, even though I recognize that for the last few years of our relationship we were hurting each other immensely. And letting go is not coming.. I mean, I haven’t even really been on a date per-se since breaking up with her several months ago. (unless you want to count hanging out with
There are actually a number of people who have expressed some interest in some physical interaction with me of one stripe or another.. and to all of you, I’m very grateful and touched.. (although I think none of you read my journal? I might be wrong..)
I would not mind some snuggling interaction at all. In fact, I’d pay money for some snuggling interaction. Probably large sums. Snuggle me, $50 a hour. $75, maybe even. Seriously, I was trying to figure out why this service isn’t offered. You can hire a prostitute, or a shrink.. someone to have sex with you or to talk to you.. but just try and hire someone to hold you and stroke you nonsexually and love you and reassure you. Can’t be done. Or at least, if it can, I haven’t figured out what it shows up in the yellow pages as. There are massage people, but they seem to specialize in pummeling your muscles into submission. Not what I want.
Tomorrow I have a dentist’s appointment, to get my fangs cleaned. As usual, I’ve let it go too long and I’m sure I’ll get some admonishments about flossing more and whatnot. Honestly, I’m suprised I have any teeth left.
I will return this body to the store very worn out, that much is clear. But I’d rather have a interesting life than a long one.
Would like to keep my intelligence as long as possible though. Am convinced I can do something with it to help the very screwed-up state of the world, if I only try. Not sure why that’s such a deep-rooted compulsion in me. But is.
I need to get over worrying about scaring or dissapointing anyone else. Sheer is the one we’re trying to keep happy here. Others who like what I am, will come along. There will be people like that, because what I am isn’t a bad thing. Some will not like what I am. Let them. That’s the way of the world.