I apologize publicly to P. for overreacting to her mail and not reading all the words.. it’s like I got upset about a third of the way in and then even though my eyes were passing over the words, I wasn’t reading them. I’m sorry.
S.
So, I refuse to be depressed and upset any more. P. will return or she won’t, but I’m not going to sit around here crying about it. She’s welcome back if she chooses to come back, but I will NOT let her hurt me any more, either through lack of being with me or through not respecting me. Especially when she’s giving me a long list of emailed things not to do to a lover.. that I already knew, and as far as I can tell, she didn’t.
I know you read this, P. – you’re welcome back, but don’t expect me to feel that I shoudl always take your orders even if you come back. I still think you attacked me because I ignored a direct order, so ask yourself if you want to come back if you’re going to be okay with the fact that I am not your slave and never will be. I understand and accept – and always have – that you’re not my slave and never will be.
I would like very much to enter into a relationship with you as equals.
One of the things that I didn’t learn very early, that I Should have, is that one shouldn’t break up with a lover or think about breaking up with them just because one has a disagreement with them.. that arguments inrelationships are normal and natural.
I shoudl say, for the record, that I still want to be with P. even though I was hurt and somewhat insulted by her latest email.. (and that perhaps it is my own somewhat broken perspective that made me hurt and insulted by her latest mail)
I should also say, for all of you yelling at me, that the netfriend who I might want to share some physical contact with knows where I’m at mentally and how I feel about P. and where I am in my friendship with her and all of the above. I’m trying very hard not to hurt people here.
1) Be this public announcement, thusly that I can not possibly have anyone claim that I didn’t post it and it wasn’t publicly announced (this a reaction to a email P. sent me)
a: I am in love with P., and want her back. Anyone else who might seek to be involved with me should understand that I am in love with P., and will go back to her as soon as this is a option.. um, maybe.
b: I say um, maybe because her last email to me shows a lack of respect for me in several particulars, and that makes me wonder if she’d really be happy with me even if she agreed to return to me or if I’d just continue to make her miserable. I suspect she thinks of me as less than her, even though she would claim vehemently that that’s not the case, and that makes me very sad. We once were lovers as equals, where and how did that break down?
c: I am in no way interested in a romantic relationship with
d: I haven’t used any drugs for several weeks, therefore am not using drugs to escape, and I don’t appriciate the inference. I have always been hyperaware of my drug use and its potential to be problimatic – and may I remind those of you in the audiance who seem to be taking a slightly holier-than-thou tack that alchohol is a drug as well? Yes, I went on a one-week N2O bender – but we’re talking about a drug so harmless that you can legally buy it OTC here. And even in that week, I still got work done, and still finished up the album.
e: I’m aware of the fact that you can date without sex, because I’ve (kind of) done it – what little dating I’ve done recently has been sexless. I haven’t had sex with anyone since P. – and I’ve been up front with everyone I’ve even so much as flirted with. No one out there thinks that they’re about to enter into a long term relationship with me, or that I’m over P. or even remotely over her. Everyone at this point knows that I want her back..
Except, do I? It used to drive me nuts when she’d order me around, and I just got a 20 paragraph list of orders, with no sign that even if I followed them all, she’d return. And a list of assumptions that hurts even worse i.e. that I would enter into a relationship with someone else without telling them that I was still thoroughly stuck on P., that I would have nonprotected sex with them (I have learned, you know – I can be taught), that I would go inflict myself on some poor 20-year-old (who isn’t even interested in me and probably wouldn’t be anyway), that I’m some sort of druggie who has just been using drugs continuously to escape..
All her assumptions except for the first one speak of a lack of respect for me. [cries] am I really willing to enter back into a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect me, even as she complains that I didn’t respect her? Do I respect her?
Well, yes. Fine. I’ll do all the things I’ve been ordered to do. But pardon me if I cry about it a little bit.
I can’t shake the feeling that things are about to turn around for me. I can’t tell you why I have that feeling.. I just do.. like things are about to stop getting worse and start getting better.
But, in the meantime, Congradulations to Licentia on having passed the N.Y. state bar! You go girl! Now go kick some corperate legal ass!
since you all are thoroughyl sick of hearing about her by now I’m sure..
MC got togeather tonight and had a bangin’ set.. we had at least a few and more likely several moments. My sore neck & back completely faded and I didn’t even notice them any more as the music raged and the system got turned up (probably a bit too much)
Now I am preparing a laptop for my friend Nicka..
So P. wants me to date other people.. which I don’t want to do, because it seems like the ultimate acceptance that it’s over and isn’t coming back..
A friend of mine recently told me that she felt like telling P. how incredibly lucky she was. I don’t think P. looks at it as luck any more somehow though 😉
Well.. I need to work, and I can’t.. I just can’t seem to concentrate. I still am having trouble finding words.. today’s most annoying one was ‘hex wrench’ which I searched and searched and searched for, and finally came up with ‘orange thing’.
Why do we use cars at all, given that so many people drive so irresponsably, either because tehy think it’s cool (i.e. most kids) or because they have ceased to be aware of the danger they weild (i.e. mr SUV driver)? Why do we accept a transit system that costs us so many?
(If I had been in a small car, I’d be dead. That simple. I left a voicemail for Mr. Yuppie telling him to sell his car which I’m sure won’t go over very well.. but hey.. I figure if anyone has earned the right to tell him off, it’s me.. he didn’t even apologize)
I want P. to come back. I’ve asked her to, and she’s in general stalled.. I’m sure from her perspective, it’s a odd question.. why would she leave someone who’s making her happy, to get back togeather with me? I can’t even defend it myself.. but I’d do almost anything..
*cries*
It’s just impossible.
I’m somewaht better now. Thank you,