Never been one to let the carrier drop

Blue laser was *pretty*, despite only being able to use one beam. Must get organized to be able to use both.
Sound system was still 100% operational when I left at 4a. Will go back tomorrow @ 3p or thereabouts to reclaim it and move it back to its home. Should be fun counting cables.. I actually made a inventory of all the cables they took, which probably shows I’m getting anal in my old age, but I’m really tired of coming home with less cables than I go with every time. 😉

Sound system sounded damn good, even tho they were redlining it a little bit. Need more elements, so they don’t have to run it as hot. But that’s something I’m thinking about for next summer, probably not before. Plus adds to the headache factor because will get too big to fit in a cheap trailer.

Not that I have a car to tow said trailer anyway, since I can’t get the rigging for the lights out of my eurovan AFIAK without opening the liftgate.

Hopefully on Monday the insurance company will call and offer me a big check. I’m guessing they will offer me a small check, though. They’ve made noises that don’t give me warm fuzzies on this subject.

So, in ‘s journal, she commented that I was a source of drama in her life. P. recently complained about LJ-drama that was induced by me. After careful consideration, I conclude that who I am and what I am results in inducing some drama in the lives of my friends and lovers from time to time. Perhaps even often.

Must think about whether this is a good, bad, or neutral thing, and what to do about it if I determine it is a bad thing. Certainly the drama I induced in ‘s life was a bad thing. It strongly has to do with the drama I induced in ‘s life as well.

But, hey, I made two people’s top ten lists. At least I’m noticed – albiet, probably not always in a good way.

I’m not trying to mess up your lives, people, honest. I just do.

s the sun comes up, as the moon goes down
these heavy notions creep around
it makes me think
long ago I was brought into
this life a little lamb
a little lamb
courageous, stumbling
fearless was my middle name.
but somewhere there I
lost my way
everyone walks the same
pecting me to step
the narrow path they’ve laid
they claim to
walk unafraid
I’ll be clumsy instead
hold my love me or leave me high.

say “keep within the boundaries if you want
to play”.
say “contradiction only makes it harder”.
how can I be
what I want to be?
when all I want to do is strip away
these stilled constraints
and crush this charade
shred this sad masquerade
I don’t need no persuading
I’ll trip, fall, pick myselfe up and
walk unafraid
I’ll be clumsy instead
hold my love me or leave me high.

if I have a bag of rocks to carry as I go
I just want to hold my head up high
I din’t care what I have to step over
I’m prepared to look you in the eye
look me in the eye
and if you see familiarity
then celebrate the contradiction
help me when I fall to
walk unafraid
I’ll be clumsy instead
hold my love me or leave me high.
walk unafraid
I’ll be clumsy instead
hold my love me or leave me high.

Dance like there’s no one watching
Love like you’ve never been hurt
Work like you don’t need the money
Follow your bliss

From a business card:

Dress like a rock star
Love like a porn star

From sheer’s mind:

Life is to be lived wide-open-throttle. Don’t sit there watching TV.

P. is a bit of a book snob, I realized today during a discussion about The Bridge Across Forever (A book my sister keeps telling me I must read, that I haven’t quite gotten around to yet but I’m determined to squeeze in this month). I’m not much of a anything snob.. well, there are limits to what level of shlock I can put up with.. for example, My Big Fat Greek Wedding = too much. Most things with Meg Ryan = too much. Danelle Steel = WAY too much.

But for the most part, pour the media on me! I mean, look at the cheesy fluffy trance that I *love*

I have no taste. Really. But I don’t mind. 😉

I don’t think I’m oscillating wildly any more. I have hope that whatever happens, things will work out and be okay. I have friends. I can see multiple possible future paths for me.

Now I have to load up the van and move my sound system down to Segway, then work my ass off and hopefully have NO M(ORE HEADACHES!

S>

the headaches continue being painful.

I’m past the begging phase of my attempt to reconcile with P., and in the ‘wait and see what if anything happens’ phase.

She is presumably back from her conference, though I haven’t heard from her yet. She’s probably busy working and stuff.

Had a long/good talk with Kayti last night. Worked some, got some stuff done..

Headaches that are completely immune to all painkillers really suck

S.

Even as I’m ignoring your advice, I appriciate you having offered it. Your best friends are the ones who kick you in the ass when you need it..

.. and sometimes you have to hear advice that’s exactly wrong, to *know* it’s exactly wrong.

S.

I no longer want to die at all.

One of the things that I came to emotionally realize recently, is that while the average human lifespan may be 70 years, there is no individual promise, at all. I could be hit by a bus tomorrow. Any of us could be. One of the only sure things about life is that no one gets out alive.

That is to say: Treat the people you love well, and don’t let go of them for frivolous reasons. Be slow to anger, and terminate connections with people only for very extreme situations.

Or, as (ARGH! can’t remember his name.. lead singer of Eagles.. fucking head injuries are really frustrating, I advise against getting hit on the head) put it.. ‘You find someone to love in this world, you better hang on tooth and nail.. the wolf is always at the door’.

And he howls.

my car is officially totalled. No value estimate yet.

I’m officially sorry I reacted poorly to P.’s email earlier today. I’m trying, folks, really.

I’m officially rejecting the advice of some of you who think I shouldn’t retry this relationship. I understand that retrying will be hard for me. I think the possibility of greater happiness lies down this path.