Never been one to let the carrier drop

Well, that was a fun bit of frustration. Mysteriously, it works if I use a dynamically created object, but not if I use a static one. Go figure.

In a bit of home-construction-work the other day, I created a replacement window facing for the heat pump.

ANd now I’m listening to the Funky Ceili, which lately has been stuck in my head, especially during sex. [Hm. That’s not a song you want stuck in your head during sex. People getting inadvertantly pregnant, castrated, and shipped off to New York.

And, I’ve ordered another heat pump for the office, so I guess I’ll be creating another one. I bought a handheld reciprocating saw, which has to be one of the most satisfying (if hard on the back) tools ever. The last time I used one was when I was building the EV to remove large chunks of the rear to make room for the battery boxes. They go through sheet steel like a blowtorch through butter.. 3/4″ plywood is a little trickier, at least until I found the speed control.

Anyway, so, the end result wasn’t the most beautiful thing ever, but it keeps the window from leaking, which is the important thing.

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So, I’ve completed my most recent project, only to discover it won’t work in WinCE, even though it works beautifully in unix. This apparently has something to do with the Embedded VCE linker being the most braindead beastie on the planet.. even though I’ve generated a valid DLL by anyone’s standards, whenever I try to link to it I get LNK1136: invalid or corrupt file (aka I have no idea what to do with this file, you want me to glue it on?)

Whenever I try to statically link using the .lib version, even worse things happen. Like, when the DLL gets loaded the application hangs in system calls unidentifiable.

(tears out hair)

I note that texas has a ballot initiative to define marrage as between one man and one woman and make recognizing any other relationships similar to marrage illegal. It’ll probably pass, too, texas being texas and all. (We are talking about the state that is proud to have brought you dubya, after all)

Why must people spend so much time in other people’s bedrooms?

I got most of that out my system. It’s amazing how much fun you can have with two MC505s and a DJ mixer. I want to write some patterns for them and go out somewhere in seattle and do my own show this way. All my equipment would fit in a small car, if I just brought a couple of 450s, the DJ mixer, the microKorg, and two 505s.. and I could *rip it up*. I kept a solid 20 minutes of bangin’ psytrance going without dropping the beat once.

I know that Grei would look down on the DJ mixer I have (it’s a Berengher DJM-700) but for me it’s a incredibly nifty mixer. I’m really not clear on what the difference between it and the pioneer is.. it’s about as noiseless as one could wish for, and all the faders are VCA, so waht’s the big deal?

There are times I go for brand loyalty.. but most of the time, I just want things that work.

IN debt beyond all possible belief, and yet I’m tempted to buy a bunch of house records and a pair of turntables and learn to be a DJ

What is wrong with me?

It’s amazing how little I actually knew about the Bible. For some odd reason I’ve always felt vaugely resentful of Christianity – perhaps because I was forced to go to church – and so I never actually learned until very recently what it said.

I’m still worming my way through the new testiment. Who knows how condemned the whole book will say I am.

Sorry. I promise that’s the last religion that will appear in my journal for at least a week. 😉

I’m done beating my head against the problem of what religion I should be. For now, anyway. I have no idea which of the world’s religions are right. I hope that God really does forgive. I hope that love wins.

I’ve been doing some hardcore coding again.. I seem to be doing okay at it so far, although my attention tends to wander more than it used to.

I am trying to grow less selfish and more open. Who knows how successful I may or may not be.

Kayti tells me I was talking in my sleep last night. When she woke me, I had no memory of a dream however.

Trying to get back to a day schedule. Haven’t been too successful yet, but who knows..

So, I’ve come to the conclusion that somehow deep in my mind, religion is twisted around my brainstem in extremely negative ways.

While the bible certainly isn’t all good news [there’s whole bits about how YHWH blew away competing tribes, and cautions against casual and illicet sex which would appear to put me in the ‘Bad Person’ category], it doesn’t contain anything nearly as dark as my mental associations with christianity would appear to indicate.

I don’t understand why I’m so frustrated with God, why I keep fearing the entity is evil, or thinking that it’s far better than the God presented in the bible. It’s the strangest thing.

I do sort of understand why I’m frustrated with the christians of this world, who see the forgiveness of their hero and then go out and lock people up for inhaling the smoke of a plant. For example. Or start wars, for example. But it is not my place to judge them.. I’m trying to get unscrewed in my own mind, not go on about the problems of others. Best to get my own affairs in order.

I’ve been really depressed lately – mostly about religion and spirituality and my inability to make things work in my own head.

I’ve read Indian and Bhuddist texts, as well as the Bible. (I must say, as a side note, should any of you want to slog through religious texts, the Bhagavad Gita as it is and the Message version of the bible are pretty readable. None of the ‘But master, it hath been many days and he doth stinkith’ of the KJV. Whether the message version captures the entire spirit of the original text is impossible to say.

I’ve also been sleeping extremly odd hours.. today i woke up at 8pm, for example. I’ve been having trouble sleeping, which isn’t helping. But really, considering how many of the earth’s inhabitants are worse off than I am, I have zero room to complain.

That’s what’s really upsetting. I should not be depressed. I have a good job that feels like it’s being helpful to humanity, MC has found a possible new drum machine operator to replace Alex [who is moving to San Fran] and he’s really good.. and yet, I’ve been depressed beyond anything I consider normal.

Part of my problem is that I’ve been categorizing my wrongs, and I’ve done a whole lot of bad things. My list of Things I’ve Done Wrong In Relationships is several pages long.. and I’m still thinking of new things. Perhaps if I could forgive myself, I’d be better off. Then again, perhaps if I could forgive myself, I’d be more likely to make the same mistakes again. I don’t know.

It is my goal to become more open and honest always. I fail in this entirely too often.

I can’t decide if I’m improving as a person or not.

I’m not sure if I’m really in this world at all sometimes.. it’s more like I’m part of the network.. you have your routers, your servers, and your Sheers. Heh.

I have been really, really bad about reading my LJ lately.. but I’m trying to be better. Really. Honestly.