Mistakes..
It drives me nuts that I can never see her again. I won’t ignore her bounderies again, at least as far as personal contact, and she won’t lift them. Well, maybe she will. I guess the idea here is to think positive thoughts about the future. If the issues with me and Vicky are related with the issues with my CE, then thinking positive thoughts is definately the way to go here.
It’s so funny. In some ways, I wish I had never wanted her in a wanting-to-touch-and-pet way. Because not having her as a lover doesn’t hurt much. There are lots of people willing to touch-pet-love me. It’s losing her as a face to face friend – dancing, skating, etc – that’s killing me inside. And I’m in this weird position of trying to balance whether I should convince myself that she died and mourn over her with whether I should be trying to think of yet some other way to convince her that I’m really not that bad a person and that I’m a really good friend. And I don’t know what’s going on in her CE, how far from the edge of her mind *she’s* living. I wonder often, does she read my blog?
And Clint has said she found me emailing her stressful. So can’t do that. OF course, I have reasons to suspect clint’s CE is not exactly orbiting 100% either. I wonder a lot if clint is aware he *has* a CE. THat would no doubt be a interesting conversation. Hey, clint, if you’re still reading, email me, let’s talk about CEs!
And then I feel this wonderful hope and future-Vicky assures me we will be friends again, that we are friends, and keeps walking me through more and more mental exercises and every time she does I get a little more me. I’m kind of in awe of my own fearlessness on my blog lately. I’ve really been just being me without much hedging or hiding at all.
And then I wonder, what is Vicky going to do if one of her children has a mental illness. (I cross a billion paws that they don’t) Will she no longer want to talk to them? Children are different I guess.. you have to not abandon them.. although my parents have said they won’t help me out if I get sick enough to end up in a hospital or jail again, so I guess at some point you do kind of do so.
There’s this awkward situation there, of course. I don’t think blaming anyone helps you fix anything. But the blame part of my mind does tend to say my parents had something to do with my mental illness. I point out to said blame part there’s no point in blaming anyone. Blame isn’t going to fix the problem. What we need to do is find out what broke and fix it. After all, the nature of NNs and my CE says my parents might not even look anything like I think they do or act anything like I think they do.
What I really need to do is convince my mind to convert or base-image all the neurons who want me dead or tortured. I have no doubt my life would get way better after that happened. But how? Many of them believe I deserve hell because I didn’t accept Jesus. Bullshit, say I, I accepted jesus. But you didn’t mean it, you think it’s a broken religion, they say. I say, you are right, that is what I think, but a religion that threatens hell if you don’t do something is surely not something written by a God of love. Some of them waver, then come over to my side. More of them continue to think I deserve hell.
Sometimes I have to base image them. I hate that. It’s a lot of work, and it means I’m throwing away a tiny portion of who I am. But I don’t see any other choice. Some Christians just can’t UnChristian, smart a thing as it would be to do. And a single neuron is not very bright.
I tell myself the important stuff is redundantly stored, that I won’t lose anything important. I tell myself there are backups anyway. Both are true. Neither one makes me feel any better when I ahve to just end someone inside my mind.
Over and over my mind says Vicky doesn’t want to be your friend because you have a mental illness. My counter argument is that’s exactly when your friends need to be your friends the most, and that I don’t think that’s it.
Vicky’s actions play a little too perfectly into my fears. And I’m paranoid.. meaning I have irrational fears. SO I don’t think I’m seeing Vicky. I think I’m seeing my paranoia.