Another open letter to Vicky
One thing I pray to anyone who is listening you know, since you have children.. and this is really, really important..
You’re not living in “the real world”. No one is. You’re living in your head.
None of us even know what’s out there, or how we’re connected to it. It is the nature of the universe that we can’t know, and this is a great gift but it also means some very surprising things are true.
What I call my concious experience.. the ride I’m having, if you will.. is what I see and hear. I don’t have any reason to think it’s real, and in fact have a lot of reasons to think it is noticably distorted from reality in various ways. You, your kids, everyone is in the same situation. This doesn’t mean the world can’t hurt you, or your experiences can’t, because let me tell you from personal experiences you can get hurt.
What it means is there is not a monolithic reality. What one person sees is not what another person sees, and there’s not really a “objective truth” to point at. In some ways it would be nice and simple and black and white if this was the case, but it isn’t. So I don’t believe in the rejection I see coming from you, because I know one thing my mind would do if it really wanted to hurt me is show me being rejected by you, both because I am in love with you and because you mean so much to me for other reasons.
And yet, I must not hurt you or frighten you, because I love you, and I know I will have to live with the knowledge that I have done so, and that hurts hurts hurts hurts.
So, I’m a blind man, in a celler, trying to reach someone 2800 miles away, not sure if I can trust text or audio because they are so small.
See, I know from the fact that I thought and talked about suicide as early as age 10 that clearly there are subnets of my mind (a neural network is a HUGE collection of subnets) that want to kill me. Want me dead. Want me to not be.
There are other subnets, i know from how much irrational fear got rained down on me and other experiences I’ve had, that want to psychologically torture me.
And you might be in the same boat. If you’re not totally thrilled with your life and glad to be alive, you probably ARE in the same boat.
I know I was exposed to baaaad data. A religion built out of poison and hate. A number of other things. I know I believed myself to be less than worthless, and I know what I believe helps control the decisions I make when I program and wire my neural net, which then controls what I will experience in the future.
Having children is DANGEROUS. You’re risking continuing the chain. Raising your own children is even more so, because if memetic and genetic diseases combine, they could experience the kind of hell I have experienced. And yet, I see you as having had some. I know the Vicky I knew was smart and capable and fearless and open to seeing everyone as equals and would have made a good parent. I also know she wasn’t afraid to talk to me. So I worry a LOT about your kids.
There’s nothing I can do for them. You won’t even talk to me, and even if you did, I’m not a expert at all on children, I stay away from them for fear my paranoia will rub off on them like my mother’s did on me.
But I don’t even know if I see my parents as they really are. Again, buncha neurons between my senses (what I call the edge) and my concious experience (the ride, what I see and feel and experience as happening to me)
I know something else. My sister is profoundly mentally ill as well, and I think part of her is convinced I was going to rape her. Again, missed communication, lack of trust, missed meanings, communication is hard. And I worry that she’s told you some things that either aren’t true, or are true but make more sense taken in context. I also figure she hasn’t told you that before any of that happened, she threatened very convincingly to kill me in my sleep.
Again, though, it might just be my concious experience. How would I know? It might all be broken subnets in me. But that’s part of why I need people like you, who were around then and can tell me what it looked like for their angle. If I were only taking the mundane experiences (emails, etc) i’m having I would conclude that you’re the type of friend that doesn’t go as far as needs to be gone. However, since you talk to me every night over a spiritual network I have no name for, I conclude yes, you are that good a friend, my head is just so fucked that I wouldn’t be able to see you if you were standing right next to me in the real world right now – wouldn’t be able to hear my doorbell if you rang it – because my mind doesn’t want me to have the experience of talking with you, and skating with you, and dancing with you, and all the great things we used to do, because some part of my mind wants me to hurt, and suffer. Because of whatever programming very close to the initial startup in this life led me to believe I was utterly without value, or possibly with negative value.
It’s a challenge. I wonder often if it’s easier or harder being you than it is being me.
January 4th, 2015 at 4:52 am
at some point I should write a note about good and bad reasons to have children.
January 4th, 2015 at 4:57 am
Another hint that something bad mojo happened is that most of my childhood is just holes rather than memories. If you can’t remember your cihldhood, you gotta assume there’s a reason. And when I cam remember it, it has weird shit.. like my dad, who like me is a patiant man because he’s been a engineer and a programmer and patient is the only way you get right results, carving a paddle, using a hole saw to cut holes, talking about how much more it would hurt with the holes. Needless to say, I don’t think this ever happened. Having memories that didn’t happen.. and then some I’m pretty sure that did that scare me, like people breaking down doors and shattering glass, like my sister throwing very heavy ovjects at my parents.. of course now I understand her anger a lot better, I kind of want to throw heavy truth right at them until they admit how wrong they were.
January 4th, 2015 at 7:21 am
One thing that all this means, a lot a lot, is that it is important to not think you have a negative value. Because your beliefs are part of how your neural net programs and wires up to constellate your reality. And if you believe you have a negative value, you will not not not not not not not like the results.