Never been one to let the carrier drop

I sent your “never email me again” to L., which I think included a detailed description of all I’d done wrong. I got this back.

-_-__- from L.
I am your friend. I will always be your friend. I will always want to.

Some times I think that I go a little over the top in talking about things, but if you can still ask the question, then maybe I haven’t gone far enough. You are one of my favorite people in the world, and you have been since I met you. It happened quickly with you, quickly and easily, and that may seem like a thin foundation, but I assure you, it is real and it is quite solid.

Everything I’ve ever been afraid of with this, with you, involves loss. I want to be connected with you for the rest of my life. (See, there we go, over the top again.) I don’t judge the things you did, because I know you. I’ll say that without knowing exactly what they were. I don’t think you act out of malice or cruelty. I believe you never want to add more pain to the universe. That’s all that matters.

Everyone fumbles blindly for meaning and connection. It’s innate to the human condition, I think. Even people who come from a place of safety and security can succumb to doubt and fear. I certainly don’t blame you for doing so or for trying whatever you could think of to get back something you felt you needed.

This might be dangerous to say, but maybe it’s necessary. And rest assured I have thought about it thoroughly and repeatedly. I love you unconditionally, because you are who you are. I don’t doubt you. Don’t doubt me.

_–_–_ end from L.

So I’ll say this. You don’t want to lose my friendship. Call me and yell at me for hours about how stupid it was. Email me hate mail until you get it out of your system. Just don’t give up on a friend who would (based on things I’ve done)

1) Bail you out of jail, with no questions, even if he disagreed with your crime
2) Loan you capitol amounts of money when he was struggling so you could get your dream
3) Come and get you from halfway across the country and help you move when part of your life fell apart
4) Put together a team to save you from yourself even knowing it would hurt like hell
5) Tell you the truth about anything – visit DMA mode with you
6) Build you up in every way he could think of
7) Invite you into his mind – literally share his body with you
8) Throw a rave for you or loan you his very powerful system to throw your own, no questions asked
9) Know you ruined his neural network, his very existence, and still work very very hard to not hurt you
10) Know when it’s right now, and be on his way before you finished giving him the address

And that’s a *small* part of my adventure. I think you’re underestimating me a lot. I’m not just smart and talented, I’m fucking awesome. I could at this point wear TGAW with pride.

There are some other things you don’t know

1) One of my friends regularly tells me to stalk her. We are laughing about how we are not afraid of being stalked, because we are strong and powerful and free. I thought you’d see it as the beautiful joke it was, and not real. I thought you were still fearless.
2) I doubt if it was a bit of my neural net that was on my side that did the bit about what do you taste like, but given that I have data for the other four senses (smell, sight, sound, vid) it wasn’t such a horrible question. You’re the one who decided to spin it inappropraiate. I just hope to fuck you didn’t spin it jeffery dahmer.
3) I have no defense for showing up on your door, other than back in the sane world before social networks that’s how we DID stuff. I was a bit worried that you, like me, have subnets of your neural net that are on your side and subnets that really aren’t, and you might not be saying what you wanted to say

But you’re right. It was bad to you, so it must have been bad. And I regret my errors. I will stay away. but I am not giving up on you, because I *Know* you make it out. I know you find $UTOPIA because that’s where you call from when you talk me down off panic attacks and paranoia ledges and out of depression and abusing myself from.

OPEN YOUR MIND! WHO YOU BECOME IS TOO AMAZING FOR WORDS.

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