Loving something as it is..
We tear each other up, wanting each other to be something different or to do something different or to become someone different or to be new and improved in this or that or the other way.
Why can’t we love each other just the way we are?
March 5th, 2006 at 10:05 am
I feel changing someone comes in 3 categories:
1) Change that is requested because the person you love should also respect you and because it does not change the core of his/her being: put the seat down, don’t squeeze the toothpaste in the middle, don’t talk while I’m reading the newspaper, turn out the light when you leave a room, etc.–pet peeves that irritate you so the one who loves you should respect that as long as such requests for change are reasonable
2) Request for change because you believe the other person should live his or her life another way even though the way he or she is living his/her life is not damaging to self or others and makes that person happy. For example, a person loves being a landscaper. The one who loves him/her thinks he/she would be better off as an architect. That is the type of change no one has a right to request. One could say, “I think you would be a great architect,” but not a right to request that the person become one nor to try to change that person into one.
3) Request for change because of self-injurious behavior or behavior injuring others. If one truly loves someone, one is certainly going to request change if the one he/she loves is engaging in behavior that is self-injurious. The person who loves someone engaged in self-injurious behavior is also going to be hurt watching such behavior and will have to decide whether to continue to try to help or to leave. If someone who loves people in general sees someone with behavior that hurts others, that someone will want to change the one causing misery. Injurious behavior can be emotional as well as physical. Requests for change in this category represent love of either the individual or people he or she is hurting and do not indicate disrespect.
I think sometimes we lump all requests for change in one category and assert our great love of independence as Americans and say all requests for change are denying us our rights…but I think one has to look deeper and to look for the motivation behind the request for change. Yes, we are all individuals and need to be respected as such, but if we are unhappy or harmful individuals, others have a right out of love, self-preservation, or love for the preservation of others to seek to change us.
At least that is the way I see it.