Never been one to let the carrier drop

So I’m still awake, sleeping fitfully after a really good party experience. (Well, for me it had a bit of good and bad.. like most party experiences..)

I think I will give up weed again. This time for very different reasons than last time – not so much because I want a clear head, as it does strange things to me. I have this problem with fear even when I’m sober – I’ve been trained very well by our culture that I must fear everything – and when I’m stoned, that goes double or triple.

And, to be honest, I think these days I might enjoy parties more sober.

What led me to this thought was this experience.. a absolutely beautiful fire-dancer.. doing this amazing performance.. and all I could think about (and I know this is very silly) is oh my god they’re doing fire dancing in a partial-frame building with no fire extinguisher handy.

And of course she dropped it once into a pile of people’s coats, and I was visualizing all sorts of disasters (you read about people in clubs getting crushed to death running for the exists) but, duh, it’s seattle, people’s coats are going to be wet here. Nothing bad happened.

I also had a couple of awkward moments with a probably gay guy who was probably attracted to me – but showed me nothing but love and respect and it was actually rather nice in a way. Then I kept trying to decide, do I tell him I’m straight?

At one point he asked me if I was rolling.. and yes, I seriously think he thought I was. I think a lot of people think I am at parties.. just because I’m perpetually, in some sense.. I think the music keys the memories of what it was like to be out there.

Anyway, I stayed until well past dawn, which I haven’t done since california. I met a guy who wants to make psytrance, and got a CD from him. Haven’t played it yet, but he said he might be interested in jamming togeather. One can always hope.

The whole adventure was beautifully ES – the map point directions included lines like ‘drive through the erector set’.

Everyone I approached turned out to be friendly. I have got to get over my fear of people… I mean, if you’re afraid to tak to people at a party, there isn’t much hope for you and you should just cease being part of the human race..

I can never figure out.. I always see my DJ friend twice during these things. once when she gets there and once when she leaves.. and then she dissapears. It’s really odd.. how does she do that?

I am slowly learning that the Seattle party scene might be filled with a bunch of other people who are just as afraid of people as I am. (No, couldn’t be…?)

Maybe I’m not the only person isolating myself because I’m sociallyinept. Or maybe…

Slowly I am learning to tell the difference between the voices that are hallucinations, the voices that are actually in the music, and..

I saw the most beautiful thing. There was a dog there.. I think someone from portland brought it.. (him? her?) – and, naturally, being my paranoid self at first I thought it was a sniffer dog. (Heh! by the looks of things it would have gone out of its mind from the number of positives.. besides, can you seriously see a cop following directions that involve ‘drive past the lego factory’?) .. but then, I saw it dance.. this dog knew how to dance, and was dancing with this guy.. it was sooo cute..

(Not to mention, made me wonder how smart the dog was. I mean, it could have been coincidence that it was moving to the beat… um.. I guess.. )

The chill out room was playing some really gorgeous stuff.. long, drawn out chords.. lovely, lovely stuff. The ambiance reminded me amazingly of this party I did sound for ( poorly 😉 ) in SoCal.. grass on the floor, giant tent.. (Oh no! tent, candles, no fire extinguisher… SHUT UP!)

A lot of my fear of fire stems from a bad acid trip. I’ve only had one of those, but it was the mother of all bad acid trips. I took acid after not sleeping for several days. Don’t do that, kids. I must have tripped for a week, and I was completely out of my head most of that time. I don’t remember most of it, but the moments I do remember were filled with deolation, confusion, fear.. and several times things spontaneously bursting into flame. They didn’t really, of course.

And then I got off on the god/christian trip, and things got worse and worse. Chrstianity is, for me, a very negative thing. I understand that it’s positive for many people and I’m happy for them. But for me, it’s a detrimental virus. See elsewhere in this journal for more about that than you would ever want to know.

Anyway, I’m guessing at this point I’ve lost my readers.. which is okay with me, because I’m mostly writing this for myself. ANd to try and unwind a notch so I can get to sleep.. P. is probably going to come over and watch a movie or eat or something.. and I’m guessing that will probably happen earlier than I will like given that I haven’tbeen to sleep yet.

I do feel really content and at peace with the world.. amazingly so. I keep debating inviting P. to come back and live with me again. I mean, I obviously love her, or I wouldn’t think about her so much. It’s obvious she has failings but then, so do I, so do we all. At the very least, I could try it again and see if the problems that manafested themselves last time became more managable.

I guess part of the proof to me that I love her is that I’m willing to forgive her, over and over..

My problem with her isn’t that she gets angry, I’ve realized. It’s more how she handles/deals with that anger.

I know that I want her to come back but I also want to be able to respect myself. (And I would still like to first *talk* to someone else of the female gender who might be interested in me, just for some sort of sense of comparison. But to be honest, I don’t really see that happening. Especially not with this whole fear-people thing.)

That beat.. just gets in your head and doesn’t let go.

I brought a couple of copies of a recent jam session on CD, but then after listening to them in the car I was afraid to give them out because I could hear too many mistakes. I’m going to have to start recording me and Tory multitrack so I can remove those. I wonder if Tory would be interested in doing multitrack editing with me. I think it’d be easier with a friend.. among other things, I could ask him if he wanted things left in or cut out. I always feel really bad about removing another person’s notes, even if they are mistakes, because what if they aren’t? I mean, who am I to say what sounds good and what doesn’t?

But, I was listening to the CD in the car, and on the way home I landed on the perfect going-home music – this 17 minute track that was just absolutely beautiful. I don’t know what we were doing, but we must have been doing it right.

I’ve never (or not in a very long time) tried jamming with other musicians whilest I was not sober. I sort of wonder what it would be like. But I also think my fear of people, and of screwing up, might make it a less than pleasant experience. The closest thing is when I played while a friend of mine sang while altered..

Anyway, now that I’ve written a largish essay which LJ will probably eat, I’m going to hit submit in the hopes that it doesn’t get eaten.

This entry was posted on Sunday, March 7th, 2004 at 10:14 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.