Never been one to let the carrier drop

One of the most important experiences I had on my way to becoming polysexual as well as polyamorous was the shocking discovery that laying next to someone you are in love with while they have sex with someone else doesn’t feel bad.

I wonder how many of you dared to do the experiment. I was shocked as anything.. I felt rejected.. and then I took her hand, and then I was a part of it, and then it was just beautiful.

I have a feeling my existence and my willingness to tell the truth is sometimes a bit of a unhappy thing for my parents. I don’t know how to feel about that. I wish I could get over feeling like they were idiots to not take a few more chances. They probably think I’m a idiot for taking so many. Whatever.. I love them even in my anger and frustration at the scars I bear for living with them for 18 years. I wouldn’t live with them again, I wouldn’t select them as parents again, and I wish I’d been smart enough to realize as a teen that a kid can ask for new parents, but I love them.

One of my strongest guiding lights is the idea to never add more pain and fear to a system that already clearly has far too much. I don’t know that I always succeed at this, but I’d like to think intention counts for something.

So, a long time ago I broke a friendship. I’m not sure how I broke it, although I see numerous things I did that in retrospect I would not have done. I know I had no context for dealing with what I was feeling or what I was thinking.

It did result in me learning a important lesson about love. You don’t forget the people you fall in love with. No amount of wishful thinking or pain or indeed anything will make them stop mattering to you. I miss someone so much it hurts, and all my friends know it, and I think they all knew it and knew why long before I did.

It’s one of the great ironies of being a neural net that you sometimes really can’t see the forest for the trees. I’m sure you all know I love Vicky, and I would give anything to have our real life friendship back, and I’m totally incapable of being normal or even sane in text to her most of the time but as far as I can tell I have always been and would always be just fine in person. But there’s no way to get back to in person that I can think of.

None the less, I believe teams solve problems that individuals can’t. So I’m discussing this with most of my friends, one at a time. I’ve learned to reprogram parts of my neural net, and I have no problem with the idea of changing anything that’s in the way of this friendship. At the same time I will freely acknowledge that I have no idea what I’m doing.

On the other paw, I am still impressed with how little Clint knows about love. Yes, he actually did tell me, and I think he meant it, that I would kill her so other people couldn’t have her. I don’t know what you’re smoking, Clint, but I’d suggest stopping, whatever it is. This is so far from love that it doesn’t even fit on the same map.