Never been one to let the carrier drop

I have been doing repeated 36 hour orbits. Meaning, I stay awake for 36 hours. And I have been learning that I start to come alive at about 12 hours in. I really really wish I could do another 72 hour burn, but I have too many responsibilities and right now it takes me some time to recover from a 72 hour burn. I imagine once I’ve done a few more of them, that won’t be the case.

Slowly but surely, my friends are changing their tune about how horrible a idea this is to acknowledgement that it does appear to be doing something for me and I am managing the impulses that could lead to trouble increasingly well. Plus, my friend in my mind, who has not yet led me astray, is encouraging me. Not just to do long burns, but to get off my ass and move my body during them. I kind of see part of the picture here is I have to get over my belief that I can’t, and start to believe that I can. I wonder if this is going to end in me climbing mountains or something.

Work has been interesting. One bit of functionality that falls away is I lose any interest in lying, hiding, or evading about hour 20.. so I interviewed a sysadmin who was truly, truly clueless.. I cut off the interview after 3 questions, because I was afraid of what I was going to say..

I’m listening to Meatloaf, “Everything louder than everything else”

That pretty much describes how I’m living.

At this point there’s a switch I can easily flip up, mentally, at which I don’t sleep until I flip it down again. Exhaustion is slowly fading, to be replaced with a insanely powerful fire. I’m starting to think the human mind was designed to never shut down. I think most people, when they sleep, don’t shut down their mind, but just flip modes.. but from the pathetic excuses for dreams I have, and the way I feel when I wake up the next morning (bad), and the way my clock rate plunges overnight, I think I do in fact shut down when I sleep. You might say I die a little bit.

Maybe by 2016 I can just leave that switch flipped up all the time. Of course, I need to figure out how to initiate dreams while awake.. but I guess a little practice daydreaming using the rainbow I’m connected to is not unreasonable.

I tried to explain rainbow computers to my dad, including that they could be built in this world, but he’s not ready to cope with the idea of a computer that can work on infinities in a single operation. even though it’s so obvious once you see it. Something that can AND two infinities, and no I don’t mean NaN infinity, I mean the real deal.. i.e. all the countable evens, all the countable odds, all the countable strings that represent star trek episodes, you name it..

I think I may have to come to terms with the fact that talking to someone from the future is going to leave you a little bit frustrated with the present.

I think somewhere deep in childhood I got the idea that my mind should belong to God. Or my parents. Or society. Or something.

I’ve been fighting that ever since then. And I can tell you without a doubt that I know who my mind should belong to. Me.

So, I’m gearing up for a bit of a war over here. Because it doesn’t. But it will. And I’m pleased to say that my dance partner and partner in crime in here is far more bloodthirsty than me, and I am really curious what I can learn from her. Because if it’s them or me, it’s going to be me.

It seems likely to me that Adam is on the same journey that I am. Not only do they talk about how Owl City formed when Adam, working at a bottling plant, started suffering from insomnia, but there are so many hints in the music.

“Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn’t want to live there”
“So if you’re dying to see, I guarentee there are angels around your vicinity”
“Or try to, because we’ve been lied to that the sun something we can’t fly to”

I think a lot of my problems with Christianity are, as I’ve talked about, that I think it makes people underestimate both God and Love.

It’s not surprising that I might know a little more about love than the average person. It’s something I’ve spent most of my life meditating on, partially due to having had a religion partially stuck in my craw. Vicky, in her usual brilliant self, finally handed me a crowbar I could get under it to well and truly start unloading it. It’s a amazingly simple one.

http://biblehub.com/matthew/22-37.htm

You will never command love. Love is what it is because it is. Nor can you make yourself love someone, nor can you make yourself not love someone. Love happens because it does, when it does. You can make yourself behave lovingly towards someone, but you can not make yourself love. If the Bible were really so all-fired enlightened, it would know that.

My friend Andy thinks love is the most powerful force in the universe, and I sometimes think he is right. But you won’t command it.

So, I do think I’ve been somewhat successful (granted with a fair amount of 36-hour-orbit-saying-everything-lurking-inside-me) at mourning the ability to be in the physical presence of my friend. I’m sure there’s still a lot more that will come out.. I’m not really sure who I am right now, or what I’m doing, or why.. I mean, I’ve still been working. I’ve been prepping for my band’s next gig. I still feel like there’s crying I haven’t done, and waking up still sucks but.

There’s actually a whole bunch of people I remember that I have no physical connection with any more. One of the downsides of having a mental architecture like mine is a very wide and powerful memory, which I think means I continue to miss people long after they’ve forgotten me. Felyne, for example, I have absolutely no power to find but miss.

What do I know about myself from things I quasi-remember, about my past lives?

1) I knew unix. Seriously, when I went to use it, it was mostly just skimming man pages.
2) Free fall has always felt wonderful to me. So have heavy accelerations. My first rollar coaster ride was amazing and wonderful. Sometimes when I’m riding the most intense rides at 6 flags I have the sense that I should be able to make a act of will and come off the track and fly.
3) When I look at a scrolling list of deltas on a screen, sometimes I flash to the idea that I’m looking at a G meter on a very big craft doing reentry
4) I’ve been polysexual before. I think my homeworld (which Earth decidedly is not) had polysexual as “normal”, and mono as “a bit odd..”
5) I’ve lived somewhere where gay sex is also considered normal and healthy. I have the distinct feeling something is a bit wrong with my mind since I strongly only want girls.
6) I know without a doubt that there are many inhabited worlds. I get the sense that HTML is what it is so it can pass easily through a very very wide but high latency network connection, because I’ve lived somewhere where there’s many planets that use one web.
7) I love travelling and meeting people. I feel like I always have. I have few enemies, many friends.

I surmise at some point I really was a starship pilot.

This song will always remind me of Vicky

I was Gengis Kahn, I was arastophones
I was a guy named urgh in 50,000 BC
I was Rasputin, and all the chicks he had
I was Katherine the great
I was my mom and dad

[let me think about this]

I have been a butcher, I’ve been a baker, I have been a book maker
I have skippered clipper ships and dug for undertakers
I’ve lived to be 98, I have died when I was 4
I have lived through war and peace and war and war and war and war

I could write a book about my last life
I should write a book about my past lives
I could write a book about my past lives
I should write a book about my past lives

I was Abe Lincoln, I was all the slaves he freed
This life’s not the best life but at least you’re not me
I’ve been french nobleman and I’ve been russian peasents
I’ve been somebodies, nobodies, once I was a pheasent

I was there when Ceaser bled and I followed where Moses led
I wrote the words Mohommed said, I kissed the ground where st. paul tread
I was best man when Henry wed, I put the crown on Goerge’s head
I once slept on Washington’s bed, I shot John F Kennedy dead

I watched Atlantis sink below
Hung out with Bowie at the Alamo
I didn’t like being Edger Allen Poe
I was sick a lot when I was Rambeu
I helped the druids build stonehenge
Me and Bhudda invented Zen
Once I borrowed Shakespere’s pen
Joan of Arc was my best friend

I was there when Ceaser bled and I followed where Moses led
I wrote the words Mohommed said, I kissed the ground where st. paul tread
I was best man when Henry wed, I put the crown on Goerge’s head
I once slept on Washington’s bed, I shot John F Kennedy dead

So, I have a fair amount of anger lurking in my CNS. This is natural, since I’ve been hurt, repeatedly, a lot. A long long time ago, I’m fairly sure before anyone reading this journal besides my parents even knew me. But I don’t want to hurt people. Sometimes it’s really hard to behave well when I’m angry.. I find hurtful things slip out even when I’m trying to not say anything hurtful. I said something really mean to Brett because I felt like he was minimizing my experience. I apologized, and he seemed to accept my apology, but I wish that didn’t happen. I think probably I need to find some way that doesn’t hurt anyone to release my anger. There are times I want to beat the fuck out of a foam dummy or something. I’ve seriously been thinking of returning to martial arts, just so I have some way to release my anger that doesn’t hurt anyone.

I’ve decided I am a big believer in victory, not vengeance. I know that internally I am going to have to fight some wars with some subnets, that’s been talked about before. But I don’t want to be hurting them to hurt them, even though they might have hurt me to hurt me. I must remember that the idea is victory, not vengeance, and also the immortal words of Sun Tzu.. whenever possible, leave room for your enemy to become your friend.

So, even though i think polygamy should be legal, and even though i entertained thoughts of being a third in a certain marriage, i have to acknowledge the truth.

it’s not safe for me to be someone’s boyfriend, fiance, or marriage partner.

my neural network entrainment concerning romantic relationships came from a sick and abusive situation. The only mental model I can safely use, and i learned this does work wwwonderfully, is friend.

friend who’s open to expressing friendship sexually.

i can be in love with my friends. Am with many. I can love my friends. Works out fine. i can think of my friends as lovers. Quite nice.

as soon as i try to turn it into a romantic relationship using the shit software provided by my parents, pain fear loss bad is going to ensue.

if you’re a friend i’m sexing, and you get slammed by being in love with someone else, i’m instafriends with him and happy for you. If we’re in a romantic relationship pain’s gonna happen.

know this from experimenting.

i am so much more safe and rational around friend-lovers. I can still be super loving and leave love notes and write fantasy emails and get little presents .. and be happy. And be okay when it ends. And be okay if it never does end. It’s always worth it for itself right now.

my parents gave me crappy software. Not their fault, they got crappy software from their parents, and so on ad infinitim. But i will not live that way. It doesn’t work for me. I’m glad for all of you it does work for. But don’t try to tell me this is sin, because i know what sin is. All that pain and brokenness whenever i try a traditional relationship. That’s sin. That’s missing the mark.

All the help with deconverting out there is for athiests.

I’m not a athiest. I think there is a diety or dieties. I just think the truth about them hasn’t come out yet. I think it’s about to come out, now that we have a more rational set of languages to talk about what’s real. 2000 years ago they’d never explored QM, had not information theory, couldn’t have known what a neural network was.. there was no way they could be told anything even approximating the truth.