Never been one to let the carrier drop

The delimma of a computer artist:

They can make better and better paintbrushes faster than I can finish one painting, and they’re always over there going ‘neener, neener, all your friends paint with these better paintbrushes and you’re still over there with your soda straws blowing paint onto the canvas’.. WELL AT LEAST I’M EFFEN PAINTING AT ALL.

Don’t know where that bit of anger and hostility came from.

Friends, when we total up the greats of the 20th century, Sheer is not going to be a name that comes up a lot. I get it. I’m sick. I see that now. I understand. I’ve read through my journal and I realize that it’s the rantings of a madman.. and yet I beg you all to find beauty between the lines. See what I was trying to say even through all the places where what I said either didn’t make sense or was full of anger or negativity.

1) I had a idea for a really cool app for tracking my emotional state. I’m going to write it over the next couple of weeks.. just takes a little Laz and a little php, and we be jammon’ man. Also a lot of reused code, but then, I’m known to recycle. Aint no shame in that.

2) Every computer should come with a fast processer, lots of ram, firewire and usb ports, CF and SD cards, and a pretty LCD color display. But more importantly, every computer should come with a salesguy who says, as you buy it, ‘The word obsolete doesn’t mean anything. Someone just made it up – a computer is a tool, just like a hammer, and you don’t hear about hammers going obsolete. You just bought a beautiful machine, and if you have the patience for it, you and this machine can do wonderous things. Upgrade when it no longer meets your needs, but pass it on to someone. Until then, remember when you get angry with it that it is a reflection of humanity, and so you’re really just getting angry at yourself, which isn’t a very productive thing to do’

3) Okay, so I’m an asshole. But, I’m in pretty good company. Thank you, Ani Difranco.

Okay, so my friend sent me a suggestion to try out a peice of software called ljArchive, because I was looking for a way to make a backup copy of my journal in case (the dieties forbid) livejournal should go the way of the dodo.

Holy cow.

This software doesn’t just back up your journal, it also graphs a attempt to do some kind of word frequency analasys and judge your mood, imagery, and a whole host of other interesting things.

I need to start keeping a index of what I think my sadness/positive emotions are doing, so I can measure it against this software to determine if it actually works. Actually, scratch the word ‘need’ there. I’ve got enough things that ‘need’ doing already, and this one is frivolous at best.

But, at the same time, I’ve been diagnosed bipolar.. (manic depressive, the disease that got Jimi Hendrix I sometimes think) and I’m not going to let it affect my life except in positive ways.. (hah.. like I have any choice..) so learning about my moods and how to provide damping on them when they’re threatening to go runaway in the negative direction seems like it might be a worthwhile goal.

How to do backups of LJ? I’d like to have a backup on my own computer..

Sheer, clockin in for the day. Ker-chunk, goes my time card.

Maybe I should get a actual, real, by gosh hang it on the wall time clock. I was looking with some of that ol’ lust to possess at a mechanical time clock at Office Depot. I’m not sayin’ any time soon, but, if we’re including things to purchase for BRAT..

(Then there’s still the question of whether I should rename my business. After all, I did get the name from P. and her and John might not appriciate me continuing to use it. I don’t know. I wish I could resume my friendship with P.. but you all are I’m sure very sick of that particular conversation. Even bringing it up in couples counsoling seems to be a invitation to a war. I’m going to talk with my shrink about it, maybe he has some suggestions which will get me through this difficult time.)

1) Call my sister and wish her happy birthday.
2) Think of some kind of present suitable for my sister. It’ll arrive late, but hey, better late than never.
3) Call Andy Hong and see what he’s got up his sleeve.
4) Begin Step 4’s moral inventory
5) Panic a lot
6) Stay clean anyway.

This is Sheer, clocking out. Day 10 involved mostly work for Brett and a NA Meeting and getting in touch with old friends thought long lost.

By the way, I think I saw something by Tamex flash past. Please get in touch, my email is sheer dash panic at sheer dot us

1) 28 days
2) Postcards from the edge

I haven’t quite gotten up to watching Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas yet.

Sheer, clockin’ in. Time to call Brett and see what the plan fo’ the day in the workin’ world is.

o/~ See that building.. 20 floors up, I signed my name.. o/~

Sleep is coming up to claim me. Sheer, clocking out for the day, day #9.

My goal – one that I first set as a new years eve resolution 2 years ago and have found damndably hard to achive – is to spend one year free from the influence of recreational chemicals. I include alchohol, nicotine, and a host of less legal ones. Right now, the counter is sitting at 356 days to go – or nine days down. At the end of the year, there is one particular recreational substance that I must never touch again because it causes me to lose all sight of moderation. I think all of you know what it is. I hope that this weakness will not keep me away from any of my dreams. We’ll have to see how it all plays out.

Two recreational chemicals I will permit myself are caffine and oxygen, both in moderation. I don’t think either is likely to seriously hurt me.