Never been one to let the carrier drop

1) I’ve been really, really sick the last couple of days. Think chained-to-the-toilet, spewing-forth-from-all-orifices sick.
2) It’s occured to me recently that surely there are very few people who actually think they’re evil. I mean, presumably both Bush and Bin Laden think they’re the good guy, for example (while, as far as I can tell, neither of them is). Until fairly recently, I didn’t go around thinking I was awful, terrible, and bad. Actually, I’m not convinced I’m really *that* evil now. I just worry that other entities may have other opinions.
3) I had some really interesting thought, which I knew was worth writing here, but it got lost while I was typing the first two and glancing at a mistake on a web site Kayti found.
4) Kayti points out that I’m really obsessed with the Christian hell, as opposed to any other particular bad thing that could happen to me. I sort of associate Hell with having all sensory inputs fed the most unpleasent signals possible, alternating with all the bad memories or.. well, really, any diety inventive enough to come up with the source code for humanity could do all sorts of nasty things. She thinks I’m obsessed and I should get help. There’s something downright comic.. in a tragic sort of way.. about going to a shrink because you’re afraid God will send you to hell for picking the wrong religion of a myriad of them.

One of my more bizarre theories is that there are a bunch of gods – who somehow concatanate to make up one God – and each of them gets a chance to rescue your soul after you die (‘rescue’ as in move to another place/time). I’ve been playing with the idea that your soul is kind of like a identifier – a prime number assigned to only you, maybe – I don’t know. This is all just babble as I try to sort this out. Ignore me.

(And yes, Lara, I know that I shouldn’t be still worrying about these things. But having givin up recreational drug use, I need some way to waste large amounts of time.. ;-))

The areas I’m exploring are unknowable.. even God can’t know that *e *self isn’t running on some simulator somewhere. At some point, you just have to hope that the universe meets in the middle and love wins. I find the presense of anything as complex as humanity, or as amusing as the internet, as proof of that.

(catty comment about dubya and evil deleted)

So, I’m not feeling particularly too cheerful this christmas. My back hurts, I can’t seem to wrap my head around religion and I’ve this nagging fear that there’s this guy with a pitchfork and horns gonna do a lot of ass kicking when I die..

On the other hand, I made the Mushrooms of Goodness today ™. Unfortunately, I ran out of salid oil and had to use olive oil, and it’s olive oil that’s gone a tad stale so they taste a bit of stale olive oil, but they’re still tasty and they still make me feel somewhat better about life.

I’ve also been enjoying Buffy – we’re almost done with it, and I’ll miss it, but the good thing is I got to see Once More With Feeling again. Ah, such a good episode – take note, all television producers – make at least one episode that is a musical. Does the Simpsons have a musical episode? If so I must make a mental note to download it..

In other news: Prayer, apparently, is thinking words in the general direction of God. This either means that God is monitoring our thoughts all the time – a act of somewhat questionable morality – or can sense when something we’re thinking is directed heavenwords – I guess when you’re omnipotent, doing things like that isn’t a particularly big deal, but it seems quite the impressive stunt to me.

My dreams have been getting stranger lately.. one recently had quite a good, all original soundtrack, including trance and house music – and here’s the amazing bit – none of which I’d ever heard anywhere else before. So apparently I have a midi sequencer in my head just like Mozart. Or else some higher (or lower) entities are injecting messages there. Or some combination of the two.

I have enough hair for a ponytail. I guess this is good news.

Me and Kayti went to visit her family in Colorado, which went mostly without incident, and my family in South Carolina, which also went mostly without incident. (I don’t include my family pointing out that I’m fat, which is obviously true, that I’m unique, which sadly probably isn’t [they somehow manage to make unique into a insult, something I wouldn’t think was possible], or the ‘peace’ which my uncle gave me as I left which I’m just going to assume he meant literally, since trying to figure out if I should be offended for a satorical version is more effort than I care to put in.

My family on my dad’s side I think is thoroughly tired of having kids who wish it was still the 70s, and occasionally insist on acting as if it was. But, hey, from a free-love and peace-love-hope-lets-stop-the-war standpoint, the 70s were my kind of decade. Of course, from a fast networks and really nifty information bits and freedom to say whatever you want in a public, searchable forum, the year 2004 does me quite nicely.

Anyway, so let’s just say that the visit with my family went well, for a visit with my family. (I can rest fairly safely assured that they don’t read this, aside from my mom occasionally, because I suspect they’d really rather forget what I’m up to. I have this nagging feeling the opposite might be true as well. Might be the ‘support our troops’ bumper sticker and the american flags and whatnot.)

I read some of Al Franken’s latest book. Apparently it’s just as well that I’ve been completely ignoring the news and mailing lists and whatnot, because if I hadn’t been, I’d be having heart attacks about the horrible things Bush is doing. But I’m looking the other way and figuring it doesn’t concern me, which probably is another offense that will have the guy with the pitchfork and horns standing over me shortly after I die, but that’s neither here nor there.

Argh. There must be some literal biological difference between liberals and conservatives, just as there’s some literal biological difference between gays and straights that we haven’t found yet. (I’m so annoying, thinking gays are gays because the software made ’em that way, and that maybe it’s our world’s automatic reaction to overpopulation)

If anyone wants the recipie for the yummiest pickled mushrooms in the world, just ask.

Anyone for a game of kitten poker?

I really want to think I’m not evil. But I’ve broken people’s hearts through gross incompetence, I’ve no idea what I want, and my back hurts and I’m really inclined to drug it into submission and beyond. ANd I don’t particularly feel guilty about that. Why couldn’t the human software designer have included a ‘okay, acknowledged’ signal for pain?

I want to be happy.

I hear they make drugs for that too. Maybe I should try some happyzac..

Oh, and I’m writing a novel. I’ve got about ten pages so far, but it’s a start. And I will finish it, and I will publish it on my web site, and no one will read it, and I’ll get bloody depressed about that. And it will have always existed lurking somewhere in the digital equivilant of infinity anyway.