Never been one to let the carrier drop

Mischief committee, in Portland Oregon tomorrow! Plus, providing sound for event. Event details at http://www.nwtekno.org/vb/showthread.php?threadid=79352&eventid=18213

S.

Finished final remastering about 30 minutes ago. Watching the master disk get burned right now.

Exhausted.

Hope it’s good enough. I got it to where it sounded passible on my car stereo.. after Jesiah left, I continued to work at it, and think I’ve done about the best I can in the time I have. Still has many things that could be improved, but all in all, I think it’s a good work.

I hope so anyway.

S.

Okay, so I admit it, I’ve always found Eminem’s homophobia enough reason not to listen to him.. except, of course, the britney spears remix of ‘the real slim shady’ which I’ve always loved.

But recently I discovered the mushroom song, which I find hilarious in a darkly disturbing sort of way (partially because I can so see it happening..).. and then ‘Mosh’.. wow. Good work.

Me and Jesiah have been hard at work in the dungeon, chained to the multitrack deck, mastering. We’ve got 4 out of 5 tracks to where they sound sane on both my stereo and the 450s and somewhat sane on the Yamahas.. and only mildly crappy on the boombox. We’ll see if they pass the car stereo test, he took off with Tanya and a copy of them on CD. I’m only mildly apprehensive.. will they hate it? will it be awful? Only time will tell.. 😉

Anyway, it’s been good hangin’ out with him.

Finally cried yesterday.. for about a hour, too. For some reason, I will go years without really crying, and then when I do, it’s like everything coming out at once. So I feel somewhat better today..

Trying not to drool over Tanya. 😉 How does Jesiah get all these hot&cool girls to follow him around? Must learn his secrets. 😉 Maybe if I were younger? Who knows..

Perhaps I really need to be single right now, though.

*sighs* Sex.. and the persuit of it.. and love.. and the persuit of it.. and cuddles.. and the persuit of them.. take up a lot of our lifetimes..

I had a interesting observation tonight: the difference between a medicinal and a recreational drug – or one of the large differences – is that for the former, the judgement of someone other than the person being drugged is required, while for the latter, the individual can decide for themselves. Of course, everyone has a drug that they are ‘weak’ to – some people may never find that drug, possibly through the wisdom to know when to stop experimenting – that is to say, a drug that they can’t really trust themselves around. Or maybe not everybody..

Who knows.

Sex. Drugs. Techno. 😉 Life is good, at least in spots.

Tanya and Jesiah also found the Really Big Laser amusing.. Jesiah volunteered to be the first to guinea pig putting his hand in the beam, and, yep, it burns. Not awfully, though. They also set some paper on fire with it. Lasers. Gotta love ’em.

P. observed, in a conversation tonight, that we had traumatized each other. I wish this were less true..

I think my biggest problem is that I’m still in love with her, even though I recognize that for the last few years of our relationship we were hurting each other immensely. And letting go is not coming.. I mean, I haven’t even really been on a date per-se since breaking up with her several months ago. (unless you want to count hanging out with or as a date, but since there was zero romantic intention on either side (though both people are quite some people, and I’m sure I could feel serious amounts of attraction to either one – but in both cases, it’d likely not be reciprocal, and be a bad idea anyway for one or another reasons. I’m just thinking out loud again. Don’t mind me), I’m thinking no – hanging out with people of the female persuasion does not count as dating. In a date, there’s some possibility of some physical/sexual interaction and the intention is finding a lover or something similar. In these hanging outs, there wasn’t any physical intent and the purpose was mutual amusement.

There are actually a number of people who have expressed some interest in some physical interaction with me of one stripe or another.. and to all of you, I’m very grateful and touched.. (although I think none of you read my journal? I might be wrong..)

I would not mind some snuggling interaction at all. In fact, I’d pay money for some snuggling interaction. Probably large sums. Snuggle me, $50 a hour. $75, maybe even. Seriously, I was trying to figure out why this service isn’t offered. You can hire a prostitute, or a shrink.. someone to have sex with you or to talk to you.. but just try and hire someone to hold you and stroke you nonsexually and love you and reassure you. Can’t be done. Or at least, if it can, I haven’t figured out what it shows up in the yellow pages as. There are massage people, but they seem to specialize in pummeling your muscles into submission. Not what I want.

Tomorrow I have a dentist’s appointment, to get my fangs cleaned. As usual, I’ve let it go too long and I’m sure I’ll get some admonishments about flossing more and whatnot. Honestly, I’m suprised I have any teeth left.

I will return this body to the store very worn out, that much is clear. But I’d rather have a interesting life than a long one.

Would like to keep my intelligence as long as possible though. Am convinced I can do something with it to help the very screwed-up state of the world, if I only try. Not sure why that’s such a deep-rooted compulsion in me. But is.

I need to get over worrying about scaring or dissapointing anyone else. Sheer is the one we’re trying to keep happy here. Others who like what I am, will come along. There will be people like that, because what I am isn’t a bad thing. Some will not like what I am. Let them. That’s the way of the world.

http://www.gnn.tv/videos/video.php?id=27

Watch it.

S.

I was doing so well, too.

P. posted a link to J.’s blog, and I had to go and look, because I’m really not too bright about these things.. and it was all about this wonderful new woman in his life etc etc ARGH..

And now I’m back to square zero, and I’ve worn out my support system.

Fuck.

Argh.

I apologize for the ruminations about god and other undiscussable topics. Actually, no, I don’t really, because it’s my fucking journal and you all can tune out whenever you like. Yeesh. Get a spine, Sheer!

It being my journal, I’m also allowed to talk to myself in it. That’s good, because talking to myself seems to be something I do a lot of. I wonder if that’s a sign of some serious mental abherration. If so, it will just have to deal.

I had a really good conversation with my mother today. This is suprising to me because it’s taken me a long time to get my relationship with her to where it was possible to have a really good conversation with her.. this is neither her nor my fault, I think, but just sort of how the world works. I mean, not suprisingly, I’m very different from my parents (although I can certainly see traits of both of them in me) and so I think sometimes it’s a little difficult for them seeing what I am, and me seeing what they are.

But, we’re approaching friendship.. I have yet to reach the point where I feel I can email my various ruminations to my dad (and I’d hate to think what he’d make of my LJ.. sooner or later I’m sure he’ll find it – and then, if he’s anything like me, he’ll probably read it cover-to-cover. So, Hi, Dad! Figured you’d get here sooner or later. You’re welcome to read my thoughts.. all of you, my friends, my parents, whoever.. but remember this is still *my* journal. Sometimes I’m gonna talk about hairy stuff, drugs, religion, sex, and other topics you might not enjoy, because I think a lot about a lot of those things.. Sorry. That’s just how I am. Wait a second. Why the fsck did I just apologize for how I am IN MY OWN JOURNAL! SHEER! STOP IT! STOP! STOP! STOP!

Okay. Just had to get that out of my system.

I was friended by a user named . I liked their top post, so I friended them back, but I really am wondering who they are, and if they’re connected in any way with BVC (bad vibes crew).

Who knows.

Catch ya all tomorrow for more fun, games, and adventures. Tomorrow is mostly a work day, although I do plan to catch the LoFi party..

The ride gets weirder from here. You’ve been warned.

Anyone ever notice how close ‘sacred’ and ‘scared’ are to each other?

In my most cynical moments, I think that everyone’s view of god is a reflection of their own insanity. This makes a bit of sense.. after all, by definition god is the unknowable and unobservable, so to assign attributes to him/her/it implies some insanity, or at least some willingness to create based on nonobserved data.

But then, who knows? The world is a very strange and complex and wonderful place.. I can understand those who argue that there must be a organizing intelligence, just based on how complicated all the peices are that fit togeather.

I refuse to claim certain knowledge on the subject, though. I will say that my god will have to live up to higher standards than the christian god does in the bible. [Yes, I have standards for my dieties, even those that I’m not clear on whether exist or not]

I do believe in something higher and more complicated than humanity.. I experience the summing of human emotions at many of the raves I go to, so I know that there’s more than just the obvious and basic in the world.

But what more? I couldn’t say.

[Why does one assume that a god would be good? as opposed to neutral, or evil? For that matter, are good, neutral, and evil, purely human prejudices? such interesting questions, and so few answers come to mind. ]

Another recording session tonight, in the more mundane matters. Got the CD artwork out to them last night. Hope to do mastering with Jesiah sometime midweek next week, though that will require busting ass. Need to spend at least some time this weekend doing mastering myself.

Heard P.’s voice on my answering machine, when I was searching for Elliot’s number. Was very sad. I *know* I’m not ready to talk voice to her yet. Managed to talk to her via ICQ, and added her back onto my journal friends list. Think I’m getting over it a little bit.. crippling depression at times, but that’s the way life goes.

Trying to learn.

Had a good time hanging out with the other night. Didn’t terrify her too much apparently, though I was at my most emotional-basket-caseness for a lot of the time. *sighs*

I want to be normal-sheer again.

S.

I am still a child.. I am but a egg…