Never been one to let the carrier drop

Despite the sketchiness of my last few journal entries [and, I admit, they sound sketch at best], I think everything is going to be all right. One way or another. In fact, at the moment, I’m feeling rather win/win about things in general.

Probebly has something to do with finally relaxing. As Jane points out, there are almost no decisions that don’t come with some kind of undo.

And I’m convinced that however things turn out – in SoCal, with P., etc – they will turn out all right.

So it’s with a much lighter heart that I embark upon this journey.

Okay, finished recording mp3 CDs. Tomorrow, sleep, clean out car, go.

I may have overstated my confusion a bit in the previous post. Or not. Scared, me?

Hell yeah.

S.

Well, this is it – if I can keep my heart from jumping out of my chest.

This is the part where we seperate the fantesy from the reality. This is where I press ‘play’, and find out if the dream is real or if I’ve gone completely, utterly mad.

Either way, it’ll be one hell of a ride.

About to burn 1400 miles across southern california.. dying dinosoars and cranked stereo, passing scenery and passing thoughts. Decision time, boy-o – you can roll the dice, or you can play it safe. You know the odds are miserable, but you know that if you win, it’s fuck-all big.

I don’t know what made me become aware of this huge gaping hole in my existance. No, that’s not true, I have a pretty good idea. But I’m not ready to talk about it yet. Maybe in a while. Maybe not ever. Maybe I’m about to get burned like no one has ever gotten burned before. Maybe I really am insane – betting my entire life on one fall of the dice.

Well, at least if I lose it won’t actually kill me.

This is the kind of thing you can’t really share with anyone – the true depth and bredth of insanity has to reside in my head alone, push my body alone to it’s utter limits. Conflicted. Play it safe, or grab for a dream? Do I even have any choice any more? I don’t really think I do. I think all choice left when I took the red pill.

I can’t shake the mental image of accelerating towards a brick wall. But I know, when the coin is in the air, what I’m hoping. There’s no doubt at all about that. The question is how to get there from here, with the least amount of people hurt.

If there’s a path from here to there at all – something I tend to be a little doubtful of.

Top of the world.

A thought:

in building the relationship with a lover, the challenge in the beginning stages is lighting the fire. Put too much fuel on, let it burn too hotly, and it will burn itself out, and take part of you with it more likely than not. Don’t put enough on, and it will never achive critical mass, and fail of it’s own accord.

You’ll know you’ve found something truly special when your instincts guide you correctly to throw just the right amount on – where everything comes out all right not because of your careful planning but despite it.

S.

Which Bowie Are You? by lucienne

a painter? me?

I think I’ve lost my two readers 😉

That’s okay, it’s probebly more amusing when I’m just writing for myself anyway. And fifty years later someone will unearth the ravings of this madman, and maybe a few words in there somewhere will actually speak to the minds and hearts of someone else.

It’s just so handy, to be able to open a window and say all the things I want to say to someone, but don’t have anyone to say them to. Or something like that.

Troubled? Me?

As a side note, what the hell is up with the stock market? I’m trying to decide if I should be getting ready to buy, or getting ready to leave the country. It’s definately doing strange things.

Anyway, with apologies for last night’s pot-smoking ramblings, I’m still here. Still writing, still thinking.

And in many ways, I feel more alive than I have in years.

S.

here is (or was on this day, the net’s always changing) a interesting article on the VC system.

I’m inclined to agree. The VC system is broken, it could be improved.

More later.

It’s 5am.

Definately time to go to sleep.

Just looked over the last 20 entries. I write a _lot_ 😉

S.

I’m going to list the next few songs I listen to, and maybe babble about what I think about them. I have no idea why.

Howard Jones, Everlasting Love

Why doesn’t anyone say things like this any more? Okay, so that’s not a fair question. Anyway, something P. observed the other day is that neither of us want to be the classic divorced twentysomethings. [Me and P. are discussing goals, futures, and things like that. Trying to figure out if our road maps are comptable. The prognosis at the moment is not good, but I’m not rushing any decision]
[Part of what I love about her is that even though we’re trying to figure out if we should break up or not – I can’t see any other way to explain our current conversations – we’re still doing it gently, caringly, and in a civilized manner. It’s just scary, compared with what I’ve seen other people do.]

How long before there’s a service that lets you leave feedback about lovers? Now that’d be funky. I wonder if it would make people treat each other better? Probebly not.

I think part of what brought up my bits of doubt concerning my relationship with P. is that for the only time I felt _really_ good in recent memory, she wasn’t present. I didn’t even miss her. And that really bothers me. But at the same time, I really, genuinely care about her. I think she’s a great person. I’m just not sure she’s my great person.

Most normal people would have thought about things like goals and future plans a bit before now. I’m not most normal people – whenever possible I avoid planning like the plauge. It makes my life more interesting, that’s for sure. I wonder if this is a common ADD trait..

Listening to Janis Joplin, Me & Bobby McGee

I guess part of what’s bothering me is that anywhere P. is happy, I am not – and vice versa. This does NOT bode well.

Anyway, I’m returning to CA, hang out some more with friends, meditate on matters, etc.. maybe at the end I’ll know what I want to do. I feel awful about the whole thing – but I do know that the road I want is not the one I’m shown.

[listening to John Lennon – Imagine]

I don’t like christianity.

I’ve given the matter some serious thought – my parents were christians – and I’ve decided the concept is fundamentally flawed.

I’ve got bad news for you all: You are responsable for your actions. No one has died to absolve you of your sins. You’ve just got to deal with them the best way you can.

That said, there’s no reason not to forgive your friends – and enemies – for theirs. If someone genuinely apologizes to you, and makes a serious attempt to try and learn from their mistake, I think you should accept their apology.

There’s a lot of wisdom in christ’s teachings. Christians just didn’t get it. How else could you ever find a christian in the military? Let’s see, what did god say, thou shalt not kill? There wasn’t any astrick at the end of that, [unless you disagree with someone’s monitary system]. God was pretty unequivical, if you happen to beleive the bible was his literal word [I don’t, obviously].

Laura Branaghn – Self Control

I mentioned earlier that when I was young I would crank 80s music and dance, in my room, by myself.

To tell the truth, I miss this. Sometimes I still do it. My dancing style is very unique – at my middle school, they referred to it as the ‘Johnny’. It’s best described as _fast_.

And this was one of my favorite songs to dance to.

I live among the creatures of the night
I haven’t got the will to try and fight
against a new tomorrow so I guess I’ll just beleive it
that tomorrow never comes

I’m forever the quinnessentual night owl – just look at the timestamps on my journal entries – so this song really speaks to me.

Limahl – Neverending Story

Gonna cite lyrics here, since no one knows this song.

Turn around, look at what you see
In her face, the mirror of your dream
Make beleive I’m everywhere
Hidden in the lines
Written on the pages
Is the answer to our neverending story

Reach the stars, fly a fantasy
Dream a dream, and what you see will be
Rhymes that keep their secrets will unfold behind the crowds
And there upon the rainbow is the answer to a neverending story

Going to have to thank brian leeper for turning me on to this song.

Show no fear, or she may fade away
In your hands, the birth of a new day
Rhymes that keep their secrets will unfold behind the clouds
And there upon the rainbow is the answer to her neverending story

what more is there to say?

Mike & The Mechanics – The Living Years

Spent a lot of time today talking about my parents, and my past – trying to sort out the confusion of my presence within the context of what’s happened before, as always. As usual, neither of the two major situations which present themselves have any referant – there’s no precident for either.

Anyway, this song I listen to regularly, as a reminder. It was played at my biological son’s birth, as i recall. It’s a important message for each of us to remember, I think.

My parents probebly wish I wasn’t as straightforward with them as I am.

Anyway, again lyrics just because I love the song so much, but just of the first couple of verses.

Every generation blames the one before
When all of their frustrations come beating on your door
I know that I’m a prisoner to all my father’s household did
I know that I’m a hostage to all the hopes and fears
I just wish I could have told him
in the living years

Crumpled bits of paper filled with imperfect thoughts
stilted conversations, I’m afraid that’s all we’ve got
You say you just don’t see it, he says it’s perfect sense
you just can’t get agreement in this present tense
we all talk a different language talking in defence

Definately on the list of songs that I would cry to if I could cry without extreme situations.

You know, I wonder to what extent my mini-mental-breakdown of a few years ago was caused by my inability to cry? I mean, you wouldn’t think it would matter – but I definately could cry during it. I think I got out a LOT of uncriedness. To tell the truth, as scary and horrible and whatnot as that experience was, I would go through it again. It was worth it. Losing your mind, once at least, is highly theraputic.

Well, it’s definately about time for me to go to bed, but I don’t really feel like stopping writing. I’m yawning, but I’m also still thinking of things I want to say.

Queensryche, Silent Lucidity

There has got to be a way to do what they describe in this song.

Although, there’s that classic question. The dream is over – or has it just begun? We truly don’t know when we’re awake and when we’re dreaming. We don’t know if we all see colors the same way. We don’t know if we all think using the same symbols. We know very little, really, in teh grand scheme of things.

If you could actually ‘jack in’ to a computer, would you do it? I would – because if another person did it too, it would be true, genuine, real telepathy. hello, magic!

Just felt some kind of wierd jolt. Earthquake? I don’t know. strange..

Dream control – virtual reality.

I like the ending.

How amusing, if we all were built with little VR decks, but forgot how to use them. Just like how amusing if lightning is actually power being delivered, and we’re not smart enough to collect it.

Now, for one more.. a good one, to send me to nice dreams

Savage Garden, I want you

I love savage garden. Like Bon Jovi, they seem to find their way to the deck a lot in high performance driving situations.

I so want to build my own overunity fusion reactor. I’m so sure it’s possible. I’m also so sure I’d get myself killed trying. 😉

Then again, I managed the EV. Plenty of possible lethal situations there..

Then again, I had the prof, josh, leo, all watching out for me. If not, I would have killed myself removing the engine.

So where do I find someone nutty enough to watch me play with plasma and tell me when I’m about to get burned?

I met someone else today that had heard of TMJ! I was so thrilled. They so rock.

Okay, I said it was going to be the last song, but I lied.

Tiffiny, I think we’re alone now

Guilty pleasures.

Why do we not tell our children all about sex? I mean, I can understand not giving them the whole complex picture when they ask where babies come from.. but when one finds them really confused, perhaps some more explanation might be in order. ‘Well, it’s a combination between physical contact and emotional vulnerability.’

And, skipping the synth solo [bad me], I jump right into ..

something I wrote? This isn’t right..

No, I’m actually listening to something I wrote. I kind of like it. Choppy as all hell, poor mixing job, guitar sounds like shit.. but damn it, the idea’s there..

I should look at my web stats and see how many downloads it’s gotten. 😉

It’s still too simple, though.

And where the fuck did that ‘ding’ that sounds like someone banging on a water pipe come from at -4:50?

I do like the sawtooth lead, although I should have brought it further into the foreground and kept the interplay up between it and the piano.

And oh, that QSR solo string could break my heart.. as I was playing it, I kept making grandeose gestures as though I was conducting a orchastra.. and that’s what it felt like. Visions of crying violin soloists, other bizarre things of that sort.

I think the keys also needed a bit more highs thrown in there. I didn’t EQ on this mix at all, because I wanted to commit it to ‘tape’ before I lost my nerve or my computer crashed again. 😉

Oh, boy I really screwed up the guitar at the end 😉

and the keys. Gah, I suck..

I wonder if other people hear the flaws, when they listen? Or if it comes off as ‘soul’. Yeah, right. Sure.

nice little grace slick style outro there.

Which is just what I’m gonna do now.

Another thought for another not quite sober night:

The boy with the heart of science fiction and the soul of rock and roll