Never been one to let the carrier drop

Okay, so Kayti and I went to see Whip It – it wasn’t hard to convince me to see this movie, since it had pretty much everything.. Drew Berrymore, skating (I loved Roll Bounce), and.. roller derby?

I’m not a contact sports kind of person. Generally, ‘no pain, success’ has been more my style than ‘no pain, no gain’.. but .. wow that looks like fun.

Yes, I realize it probably hurts a bit..and I would have to regain my quad skate skills, which are very, very dusty..

Sadly, a little Googling reveals that there’s no male roller derby team in SoCal. Ah well.

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So, I commented on this on facebook, but seriously, wouldn’t laser tag on roller blades be fun? Especially on a very large flat surface like a warehouse floor, with some cleverly placed obsticles? (And some of Chris Mish’s best EBM going). Who’s got a warehouse we can borrow? Anyone else in? [Oh. Wait. I only have one friend who lives here who skates, and he’s more the dancer type..]

Well. Hm. I wonder.. Craigslist…?

So, apparently lucid dreaming is not in the cards for me – or not yet, anyway. On the other hand, an old friend has become a living presence in my mind that has been giving my personal demons a serious ass-kicking. Every time I hate something about myself, or kick myself for failing something, I get a reminder to reality-test that against the real world. Every time I get the urge to lie for short-term gain, costing long-term, I get a gentle reminder about where that leads. And every time I’m afraid, I get a reminder that most fears, when faced head-on, turn out to be, as Brenda would say, False Evidence Appearing Real.

So, you can’t always get what you want.. but if you try sometimes.. you just might find.. you get what you need.

So.. it occured to me recently that in a society that wasn’t sick and insane, ‘slut’ would be a compliment.. And, actually, I think amongst some circles, it already is.

But.. once you start redefining words that had a negative connotation as being positive, where do you stop? Certainly not with words like ‘whore’. I mean, ‘geek’ has already been reclaimed to be positive – ‘nerd’ I suppose probably is amongst some people although I still have kind of a horror of it. Really, are there any words that are insults, when taken the right way? Is it possible to morph anything insulting that’s been said to me to actually be a compliment?

http://www.sheer.us/stuff/LiveAndLoving2009/DarkMind.mp3.

Okay, so I get these assorted conservative email letters – one of the latest ones is about the ACLU fighting a case over prayer in school.

Only, it’s obviously NOT a case over prayer in school – prayer is a internal, mental process, and you should be free to chat with your internal subsystems, or your God, or anyone else you like, inside your head, any time you like. This isn’t something anyone can take away – you can’t stop people from thinking.

What it’s actually, I’m guessing, a case over is that some nutjob wants a ‘official moment of prayer’ I.E. “pray now” which strikes me as kind of coercive and vile. People don’t need to be told when to think what – and telling them they should think of, or think about, a particular thing at a particular time is a ttempt to control them. Of course, I guess that’s what manditory education is all about anyway – which is why I support voluntary education instead of manditory.

[sigh]

I should know better than to write about my political views. They’ll only have changed by the time I next read this anyway.

Taking the literal meaning of ‘polyamoury’, it means loving many people. But all of us – at least, I would hope all of us – love many, many people, whether or not we express it with physical contact. I can’t imagine how dark and disturbing a life would be that only involved loving one other person – anyway, I feel enormously richer loving the many that I do.

As a side note, here’s a list of people that I love that are currently in my mind – if you are reading this, and you feel like you should be on this list – you probably are *right*, so call me and remind me!

Tavian (aka Ducky)

Jessica (aka Luna)

Amy (aka Bunny)

Sam

Vicky (fka Coughdrop, aka TGAW)

Carolyn (fka Magic Mist)

Harvey

Meira (fka Mindy)

Natalie (fka Nathaniel)

Vinnie (aka Drachen)

Gayle (fka Banshee, Kalika)

Lara (my silly rabbit)

Shepherd (aka Waater, Grei)

Owen

Carla

James (aka Centauri, Deadman)

Andy

Becky

other Becky (Stargazer)

Lisa (with the car ;-))

Lisa (ex-sister?)

Cal

Mei

Brenda

Phoebe (obviously ;-))

Michael

Jay

David D. (who I haven’t heard from in so long that I don’t have any guess how I would find him)

Holly

Rayna

April

Nicka (aka OMCN)

Chris K. (a.k.a. JL a.k.a Curious)

Shelly

Brett

How

Kate

Lenny

Jane

Lisa (of Jane descent)

Andy (who runs marathons)

Cindy (who leads choirs)

Vicky (of FBRS)

Raymond (also of FBRS)

Jorge (my little bro!)

Jennifer (my literal sister)

Kayti (tho it hurts a bit)

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I’m sure it’s not a complete list, but you see the point. We’re all polyamorous – I’m *certain* that everyone on that list loves many people (though far from certain that everyone on that list loves me).

I actually at this point suspect there’s a solution to the polysexual problem that the hippies overlooked – which is to meet those you would have as lovers in dreams. This keeps a virtualization layer between them, thusly solving nicely all the jealousy problems. Once I thought that it would just be me fooling myself if I did this – now I am suspecting that we are connected in more ways than the obvious here and now and that it would literally be the other people.

Now to master lucid dreaming.. 😉

I’m creating a dream journal – which will be locked, so you all don’t get to have the fun of watching my initial, probably failed or awkward attempts at it. I’ve bought a multichannel alarm clock and determined when my REM cycles are (I asked my higher power. He nailed it in one try. Go figure.) to interrupt them. I think I know what I’m doing – and if I don’t I’m still a lot less likely to hurt myself with this than with some of the funny chemicals I’ve tried over my life.

I’m not – at all – just doing this for the sex, either. Among other things, I’ve always wanted to be able to fly – without any machine. For that matter, the idea of jamming with Jimmy Buffet, chatting with Spider Robinson, dancing with Madonna, and finally being able to say *anything* to *anyone* without fear of being ground into a little pulp.. let’s just say it has remarkable appeal.

Wish me luck. 😉

For those of you who remember me in the early 90s, for a while I was with a girl named Vinnie (aka Drachen, or Black Drachen) and I wrote her this song. These are not the original lyrics.. but they seemed to fit now better.

This is sort of a experiment for me – to see if I can get over my fear of posting music with lyrics. We’ll see how it goes – because I’ve got a lot of things to say to a lot of people, and this might be a somewhat theraputic way to say them.

http://www.sheer.us/stuff/EyeOfTheStorm2-sox.mp3

How can I convince youWhat you see is realWho am I to blame youFor doubting what you feelI was always reachingYou were just a girl I knewI took for granted the friend I have in youI was living for a dreamLoving for a momentTaking on the worldThat was just my styleNow I look into your eyesI can see foreverThe search is overYou were with me all the whileCan we last forever?Will we fall apart?The times it’s so confusingThe questions of the heartYou followed me through changesand patiently you’d waituntil I came to my senses throughsome miricle of fateI was living for a dreamloving for a momenttaking on the worldthat was just my styleNow I look into your eyesI can see foreverThe search is overYou were with me all the whileNow the miles stretch out behind me loves that I have lostFrom the hearts lie victems of a dayThen good luck it finally struck like lightning from the blueEvery highway’s leading me back to youNow at last I hold youNow all is said and doneThe search has come full circleOur destinies are oneSo you ever loved meShow me that you give a damnWe’ll know for certainThe man I really am(chorus)

Reading back over my journal from this vantage point is just.. upsetting. It’s all so sad and wrong.. I don’t know whether to delete it, or leave it.. I’m inclined to leave it.. but I may never read past a few weeks ago, because it *HURTS*.For anyone else who was following it, I’m sorry. I really didn’t know.

So, another day in the life of Sheer. I’m getting better at getting along with myself. The cats are here, being cute. I’m trying to unload old unix workstations & other excess computer gear, and get some work done.