Never been one to let the carrier drop

http://www.gnn.tv/videos/video.php?id=27

Watch it.

S.

I was doing so well, too.

P. posted a link to J.’s blog, and I had to go and look, because I’m really not too bright about these things.. and it was all about this wonderful new woman in his life etc etc ARGH..

And now I’m back to square zero, and I’ve worn out my support system.

Fuck.

Argh.

I apologize for the ruminations about god and other undiscussable topics. Actually, no, I don’t really, because it’s my fucking journal and you all can tune out whenever you like. Yeesh. Get a spine, Sheer!

It being my journal, I’m also allowed to talk to myself in it. That’s good, because talking to myself seems to be something I do a lot of. I wonder if that’s a sign of some serious mental abherration. If so, it will just have to deal.

I had a really good conversation with my mother today. This is suprising to me because it’s taken me a long time to get my relationship with her to where it was possible to have a really good conversation with her.. this is neither her nor my fault, I think, but just sort of how the world works. I mean, not suprisingly, I’m very different from my parents (although I can certainly see traits of both of them in me) and so I think sometimes it’s a little difficult for them seeing what I am, and me seeing what they are.

But, we’re approaching friendship.. I have yet to reach the point where I feel I can email my various ruminations to my dad (and I’d hate to think what he’d make of my LJ.. sooner or later I’m sure he’ll find it – and then, if he’s anything like me, he’ll probably read it cover-to-cover. So, Hi, Dad! Figured you’d get here sooner or later. You’re welcome to read my thoughts.. all of you, my friends, my parents, whoever.. but remember this is still *my* journal. Sometimes I’m gonna talk about hairy stuff, drugs, religion, sex, and other topics you might not enjoy, because I think a lot about a lot of those things.. Sorry. That’s just how I am. Wait a second. Why the fsck did I just apologize for how I am IN MY OWN JOURNAL! SHEER! STOP IT! STOP! STOP! STOP!

Okay. Just had to get that out of my system.

I was friended by a user named . I liked their top post, so I friended them back, but I really am wondering who they are, and if they’re connected in any way with BVC (bad vibes crew).

Who knows.

Catch ya all tomorrow for more fun, games, and adventures. Tomorrow is mostly a work day, although I do plan to catch the LoFi party..

The ride gets weirder from here. You’ve been warned.

Anyone ever notice how close ‘sacred’ and ‘scared’ are to each other?

In my most cynical moments, I think that everyone’s view of god is a reflection of their own insanity. This makes a bit of sense.. after all, by definition god is the unknowable and unobservable, so to assign attributes to him/her/it implies some insanity, or at least some willingness to create based on nonobserved data.

But then, who knows? The world is a very strange and complex and wonderful place.. I can understand those who argue that there must be a organizing intelligence, just based on how complicated all the peices are that fit togeather.

I refuse to claim certain knowledge on the subject, though. I will say that my god will have to live up to higher standards than the christian god does in the bible. [Yes, I have standards for my dieties, even those that I’m not clear on whether exist or not]

I do believe in something higher and more complicated than humanity.. I experience the summing of human emotions at many of the raves I go to, so I know that there’s more than just the obvious and basic in the world.

But what more? I couldn’t say.

[Why does one assume that a god would be good? as opposed to neutral, or evil? For that matter, are good, neutral, and evil, purely human prejudices? such interesting questions, and so few answers come to mind. ]

Another recording session tonight, in the more mundane matters. Got the CD artwork out to them last night. Hope to do mastering with Jesiah sometime midweek next week, though that will require busting ass. Need to spend at least some time this weekend doing mastering myself.

Heard P.’s voice on my answering machine, when I was searching for Elliot’s number. Was very sad. I *know* I’m not ready to talk voice to her yet. Managed to talk to her via ICQ, and added her back onto my journal friends list. Think I’m getting over it a little bit.. crippling depression at times, but that’s the way life goes.

Trying to learn.

Had a good time hanging out with the other night. Didn’t terrify her too much apparently, though I was at my most emotional-basket-caseness for a lot of the time. *sighs*

I want to be normal-sheer again.

S.

I am still a child.. I am but a egg…

Whenever I think I’ve figured out most of the world.. that it’s all starting to fit togeather.. I discover there’s another level, that there’s things I hadn’t even counted upon. How long does this puzzle go on? How deep does the rabbit hole go?

It’s hidden far away
But someday I may tell
The tale of mental tangle
When into your world I fell

Without you now I wander,
sulking, secretly afraid
In your grasp, the fears don’t last
Though some of them have stayed

—————————-

Life’s like a movie..
write your own ending
Keep beleiving
Keep pretending
You’ve done just what you set out to do..

I had a really difficult night last night.. but I think I’m better now. At least somewhat better. I keep waiting for this to stop hurting.. defriending P. didn’t actually work because I still peek at her journal via URL, reading about her romantic getaways with J… I’m so stupid.

And I’m happy for her, that she’s moving on and finding her happy ending.. or at least happy next chapter.. and it’s about time I did so as well. Although.. it’s been less than a month, I think I can somewhat be forgiven for being unhappy. But can I be forgiven for calling, IMing, and emailing so many people last night?

Who knows. I presume my friends will tell me when I need to sit down and shut up. Actually, one of them kinda did last night 😉 But sometimes, you know, that’s just what you need to be told.

Humans are so silly. Can I pull a Aster, and become a flower? 😉 Actually, I think I’d rather be a dolphin.