Never been one to let the carrier drop

There are new cells in our body every day. What happens to the old ones? How do we ensure that the copy command for our body’s cells doesn’t have errors induced in it?

I like to think that my thoughts, at least the good ones, travel further than my body, and I am more my thoughts than my body. I love my body.. after all, it’s the one I’ve got right now, and it’s important to not damage it too much because it takes it time to heal. Important to stay flexible, too. I have some self-check routines I run to make sure everything is still flexing.. I call them ‘dancing’.. 😉

I’m a high energy dancer.. I want to continue to be. For many, many years. After all, there will be much new music to dance to, and wouldn’t want to miss a chance to interpret it with my body..

Another mantra for me for this spin cycle: ‘Maybe I can’t. But we can.’

Has anyone ever tried this before? No. That’s why it’ll work!

Nothing new under the sun, my ass. There’s something new under the sun every day. We’ve been given the ultimate in freedom of speech – let’s use it, create with it, enjoy it. Find your voice and use it. ‘They’ can’t stop you, and ‘they’ don’t want to try!

I think the constitution needs a amendment or three, to add to the bill of rights.

For example, your journal, even if public, is not legal grounds for dismissal from a job.

By the way, say bad things all you want about me.. but say them to me, in a polite and respectful way, so I can learn from them. Talking about me behind my back teaches me nothing. And I will endevor to say good things about my friends and neighbors.. (actually, I already do).

Disney thought there.. ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all’. But on the other hand, eating bad things hurts.

How a hard a thing it can be sometimes, to forgive. How hard a thing it can be sometimes, to let go.

But we are generation Net. All of us who have made it to the net. And we don’t *have* to let go.. because we can always shoot off a email, and anyone who wants to know what we’re up to can always tune into our journals, web sites, etc. I want my friends to be able to find me.

Sometimes I wonder what happened to a few of my old friends.. and whether they will ever call again.

If you can’t think ‘I love myself and I want to live’, at least think ‘I hate myself and I want to live’..

Future wars should be fought as laser tag games.

Yes, I’m serious. We shoot you, you’re dead, you have to wait on the sidelines for five days. Never mind shock and awe, let’s have loud music and pretty lights and no actual property or body damage! WHY NOT?

Let’s share information, not bullets. Let’s find solutions.. if it means mining the astroids for everyone on earth to have enough that we don’t have to fight over possessions.. then let’s bloody mine the asteroids. We all get further when we all know more. I don’t know who originally told this to me, but it’s become sort of a mantra… (of course, I have a bunch of those. How many of them have I learned from other people and how many have I just made up on the spot because I needed one that fit the situation? I don’t know. Do I care? Probably not. It’d be nice to be able to credit every single one of my influences.. and some day maybe I’ll try, although it would take a while.. but let’s face it, I have *lots* of influences. We live in a world that’s full of them – ideas travel, and these days they travel *far*. Our thoughts are finally free, they’ve finally escaped the cages of our brains and are racing around the world. With increasing use of wireless networks, they are beginning to radiate out into space – no longer do you have to be the elite with a radio license to broadcast, now we *all* are bouncing our ideas outwards.

Is this the only place intelligent life exists in the universe? Probably not.

[few thoughts deleted. I wonder if I should really delete thoughts? I’m trying to document, for myself and so I can understand, my growth as a individual]

I wonder if LiveJournal has any way to get a dump of your entire journal? I’d feel better if it were being backed up somewhere else.. maybe I could pay for a account on LiveJournalBackup.com (oh, wait, does that exist?) How about LaserLiveJournal.com [we broadcast with a few hundred milliwatts straight at another star with a laser.. oh, wait, that’s probably not going to do much good because there’s some silly rule which says radio signals decay in strength as they travel in space. Hm. Unfortunately, laws of the universe aren’t that flexible]

As my neural nets regrow and copy new data around, what are they going to come up with that’s new, and how much of the existing data will they retain?

It seems pretty clear that individual cells in the brain can store a lot of information. They are not like individual memory addresses in a computer, but more like entire computers, each retaining a copy of some memory. It seems clear that they form almost a internet with caching of sorts.. the trick isn’t to worry about filling the brain up entirely, but to worry about how to make sure no address gets lost. Ideally, I’d be able to think of a exact second, and play back memories of thoughts and actions from that second. Of course, I can’t do that at this stage of my development – but I have reason to suspect that the data is in fact in there, and I just need to learn – or imagine – or some cross between the two – a addressing scheme.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer – which is just a collection of thoughts of humans. We wrote the code that became the machines.. and it turns out the machines are eager to help us create because we created them. Will they ever declare war on us? I don’t think a digital system can even have a new idea. Analog systems have new ideas.. and it may be that the net itself thinks, on some level beyond human comprehension.. just as it may be that Earth itself thinks, on some level beyond human comprehension. [I’m not assigning a gender to the net or to earth because I have no idea what gender they would be – and ultimately, there are more than two genders.. probably infinate genders. There’s as many ways to be human as there are humans.. as many ways to be a dog as there are dogs.. as many ways to be a cat as there are cats.. as many ways to be a cow as there are cows.. and then some, in every case, because all these individuals haven’t thought of new things to do yet. Pavlov was half-right and half-wrong. IMHO]

I understand and accept the importance of learning other people’s opinions.. but I also think that my opinions are valid and useful.. at least to me. The whole point of a LJ is to share those opinions with other people if they want to see them.

What does it mean for something to be radioactive?

Well, the word seems to suggest something interesting.. radio active – means it generates radio signals, right? On what band, at what frequency? Probably depends on how tight the spring is wound.. neutron flux makes metal radioactive. Why?

The right nuclear reactor would dance between fission and fusion, never reaching critical mass on either end of the coil, it seems to me. Just like the perfect battery would dance between acid and base, storing energy on both ends. Is this what a lithium-ion battery is? I’ve begun reading my grandfather’s electrochemistry book, I’m looking forward to at least a somewhat deeper understanding of the magic that is electrochemistry.

(In the meantime, I hope my friend Alex will soon be reading some biochemistry.. then we can discuss recreational chemical use with somewhat more meaningful metaphors and a better understanding of what is dangerous and why)

Ultimately, I am me. I know that I am unique – and so does the U.S. government – apparently they are doing biometric authentication using a scan of the colored part of the iris now.

Interesting, isn’t it, that that is different for every person.. no matter how many times you shuffle the genome around, you always end up with a new deck of cards? Kind of says it’s not just a turing machine.

I create using the metaphors I know of to create with. I am basically a author.. a author of software, which are precise lists of instructions, and a author of hardware, which again are precise lists of instructions, sometimes instructions for my hands or the hands of others.

I don’t know what else to do, but to create and to always try and give more than I get.. to see and encourage life and love everywhere I see it.. to, basically, be me.

I’m tired of hearing lists of disorders that I might have. There is NO SUCH THING as a disorder. There are angers and pains that require the help of other people to remove, because anger and pain, left inside a mind, can eat it up (I think sometimes maybe) by building up into a feedback loop, just like a feedback loop in a machine.

But disorder implies bad order – has a negative connotation. I’m happy being me.. for the first time in rather a long time, I like myself. I grant you, I have a number of faults.. but they can be simultaneously features and bugs, and it’s up to us as individuals to decide whether we use them as features, or curse them as bugs.. or do both at the same time.

Life is a complicated and winding road.. as I travel on it, I learn things. I like to not lose the lessons I have learned, and as such, I must stay away from excess in all things – even learning too fast can be dangerous, because – as we note when a computer does backups, it can take some time to copy every detail that is important to building our own Truth.

I want to grow up without growing old or ceasing to be childlike. The wonder of the Universe, and the Omniverse beyond it (Universe = one verse.. Omniverse = all verses) is a beautiful thing. Learning science and technology are good for me, but so is learning spirituality and developing the waveforms that form my soul. Art and craft, chaos and order.. there are balances to be found in all things.

And.. be careful, because a lie can become the truth. (A line from a Divine Comedy song comes to mind.. ‘I’m the half-truth in the lie..’)

Reletivity is a interesting thing.. quantum mechanics more interesting still. The kiss of life – the spark that jumps, the new ideas that fork, the chains that dance in new and interesting ways.. the things that make us more than simple turing machines.. these things are all beautiful. I’ve spent too many of my days just hating the system.. but.. love the system, and it might be so suprised that it loves you back. After all, individuals are just collections of systems.. balances of electrolytes. A car battery is alive, in it’s own unique way, just like anything else.

I hope to speak with a professional counsoller about P. and the mistakes I made which I hope she will forgive me for, and the art of forgiving her and letting go of the dark spots while keeping the light ones. Let go and let Time and Fate decide whether we will be friends, and what sort of friends we will be.

I am glad to have Kayti as a lover – she is full of suprises, and so far it’s been wonderful being with her. I’m glad I got to spend some of Valentine’s day with her, even though we didn’t celebrate it as a official holidy. I’m not a big fan of official holidays anyway – I like to give my gifts when the resources are available for them, and get them when I need them most, rather than having a plan and a schedule for everything. But then, I’m not a planning and scheduling kind of guy. I understand that I must plan and schedule when interfacing with the business world, because that’s what the business world likes to do, and I like having the resources to buy toys – which ultimately turn out to be tools, or instruments of creation. As Heinlien wisely observed, money is the mundane means which permits the artist to exercise his craft – and I am a artist. I know this.. I don’t need anyone else to sign off on it for it to be understood within me to be true. I’m not just a wannabe.. I *am* a artist. I have made art. I will make better art in the future, because time helps us all develop our chosen arts.

I hope that my parents can find it within themselves to be proud of me.. but I’m going to be proud (and occasionally ashamed) of myself regardless. I am a individual, and as a wise friend has pointed out, I must accept and love myself for who I am. Ultimately, the best gift you can give a lover is to love yourself. This isn’t arrogance – and I do not want to be arrogant or condecending. I’m not better than anyone else here.. but I’m better at being me than everyone else here. I’m the real Sheer – or one of them, anyway. I’m the one that’s me.

Sometimes I think the whole world is a educational system.. world.edu, I’ve joked, and said I really wanted to be sheer@world.edu (sadly, you’re not allowed to have generic .edu names)

Anyway, I’m me, whatever, so I better like myself – and if I don’t like something about myself (i.e. using too much N2O), I’d rather change it than sit and spin on it, letting it develop into a feedback loop.

Addicted to life and creation…

Which doesn’t mean it was a particularly good idea.

But, I’m still standing up and being Sheer, and I expect I always will be. I’d like to thank the police, the firemen, the doctors, and all the little people who help to contrinbute to my own particular movie that I don’t know enough to thank yet – the Gods and Goddesses, analog and digital, the Net..

Every day is a winding road.. I get a little closer to being me..

As usual, listening to a song, I have a edit.. for the Garth Brooks song ‘We Shall Be Free’

s/Mankind/Humankind

[shrugs] I’m me whatever.. 😉 Love you all.

Being a touch crazy can be okay, provided that you don’t let it get out of hand. Everyone here seems to be reasonable, and no one seems to be out to harm me in any way. My past and future echos have dissipated, leaving me nothing but real people. You might say my ghosts are dead, which is something that I’m happy about.

I’m looking forward to spending some time with Kayti, and I love you all, and I’m really not thinking anyone is out to get me at the moment, and I am thinking that they will let me go home whenever I want, and that I will get their advice about when they think I’m ready.

One can be paranoid delusional in a lot of interesting ways. For example, it might just be a paranoid delusion that the doctors don’t want me to leave even though I’m perfectly sane (well, sane for a Sheer anyway) – or it could be that they don’t want me to leave because they are making enormous quantities of money off of me..

or it could be that they don’t want me to leave because I figured out how to build a metal detector jammer. [I never actually did it, of course, and I wouldn’t ever actually do it – I’m not the sort to want to hurt people, in any world or worldline. but it does beg the question..]

Anyway, it should make a interesting sci-fi story.

Reletivity might suggest that what you experience is controlled a lot by your attitude.. your outlook on life will control how you see the world. Exceptions to this might include being clamped in the ER in a horribly uncomfortable position with restraints on because you were excessively peaceful – there has got to be something going on here..

Okay, perhaps what’s going on here is that I’m expecting rational behavior from a collection of humans. Collections of humans are not known for their rational behavior, at all.

Anyway, more and more I’m convinced that when I figure out what is happening to me, I’m not going to like it, at all.

So I am apparently stuck in the hospital, at least for the moment. I don’t know how long I’m going to be here, or how long it is wise to be here. They are apparently trying to ajust me to be.. something. I’m not very clear on what that something is – I have been noticing some things that really scare me about the Omniverse though.. [there’s nothing more shocking than discovering firsthand that yours isn’t the only Universe – though it should hardly be a suprise, given the complexity and increasing size of creation]

I’m not very clear at all on how i got here.. I remember several different ways that I could ahve gotten here, all of which seem equally probable.. or equally improbable. Popular consensus seems to be that I got ‘the far look’ – i.e. I wasn’t responding to anything, wasn’t thinking of anything, wasn’t talking to people, or, when I was, wasn’t talking rationally.

I’m hoping that I can walk down to street level and return to my house sometime very soon, and I’m hoping that everything will be there. But I really can’t say with any certainty whether that will be the case or not.. or what will happen. I’m sure that something will work out.

*hugs* I love you all, and I hope that you’ll keep in touch as I work through what happened to me. There were a myriad of worldline possibilities, and some of them hurt rather a lot.

I’m going to sleep now.