Never been one to let the carrier drop

I have no proof, but I suspect what awakened me / is keeping me awake might be excess CH4 pressure because of the rather large quantity of pickled garlic I consumed last night.

Let it be a lesson to me..

I have no idea why, but even though I’m tired and headachy, my body hath decided to awaken and has refused instructions to sleep further. So, looks like it’s 7 am and I’m awake.

I may fight back with one of my favorite drugs for this situation: coffee. It may not put me back to sleep, but at least it’ll put me togeather into a imitation of a man. Only problem is, my coffeemaker’s been dirty for a year now. Hmm. I could walk up to the donut shop, but what if Kayti awakened to find me gone.

Leave a note? Where?

I hate this situation. THe right thing to do is probably to wake her to tell her I went to get coffee, but then what if *she* can’t get back to sleep..

I think I’ll leave the office door closed with a big note on it. That oughta work. Or, of course, I could just forgo the coffee. Maybe I’ll put the matter up to a vote on Brig.

The rhyming is loose and clutzy, the melody simple and the chord progression amatuarish. But still, I think I may record this one.

The blinding pain of unknowable truth
The searing heat of a feedback loop
The bitter spin of a full chase lock
The white hot fear before you drop

Dominos is not a game we play for keeps
Dead or alive, I’m still losing sleeps
The terrible feeling when you can’t say no
Hearing the engines whine, machine out of control

Scanning the world for your guiding light
Looking for love and kindness and things set right
Weakness catches you buying again
When all else fails, change yourself, old friend

They were selling happiness, but you bought too much
Now you sit here with mind and body turned to rust
And ask yourself fearfully, how much will come back
Rub the coppery dust off the old dirty track

But under that rust still sits a path of steel
And once your will has a way, the power you’l feel
Ask not how much of the light at the end is real
Real doesn’t really matter anyway

One day at a time
One step after another
Words plodding rhyme
Father and mother
From the beginning of memory
To the end in dispair
Find places to change
Until you find yourself there

added guitar straps (long) and guitar picks.

list is still at http://www.sheer.us/bday.html

Approximate breakdown by priority

Rent – 1/3rd
Utilities – 1/8th
Toys – 1/8th
Gifts – 1/8th
Misc 1/16th
Debt Paydown – (in a stoner voice) Whatever’s left over, man..

Items that need to fit in my budget:

Rent
Toys
Travel
Gifts
Utilities
Paydown on debt
Misc

I don’t want to be all magical and mystical about this, but this time it really does seem like things are getting better each day. I wouldn’t want to mess this up, because the endpoint might be above water, so to speak.

Of course, my typing isn’t getting better each day.. it’s not getting worse, either, but I definately have a higher tendancy to typo than I used to.

Then again, I notice misspellings a lot more. I was going through my journal the other day – gah, I spell horribly quite often. Ah well.

I’ve lost track of what’s In and what’s Out.. am I locked in, locked out, locked up, locked down, or just deadlocked?

Sheer, signing off, day 11 has ended.

I could buy a house. Then instead of worrying about the rent, I’d be worrying about the house payment, for 20 flippin’ years, or maybe 30 or 40. I could pay as much as I wanted up front, but when I missed a payment, I’d still be out on the street. And even after I owned the house, I’d still be renting it. The government woudl still show up asking for their property tax.. their rent for living in their fine country. The rent would just be lower, is all.

Is it too much to ask to have a place to live where you don’t have to live in fear of the day you screw up in the dance of life and they kick you out the door to become one of the homeless?

Without enormous quantities of a drug I can’t use any more, I have yet to experience messages from a higher power. But tonight, I’ll listen hard. Because there’s always that one in a million chance that everything will line up just right and a message will come through.

They said I didn’t need drugs to see or hear them. I am taking them at their word – after all, being higher powers, they know more than I do, one presumes.

How long before I don’t have to live in fear, hand to mouth, paycheck to paycheck, no matter how big the paychecks are? I can try to learn to budget, but jeez, we’re talking about Sheer here. Budgeting is not a strong suit of mine.. in fact, I’m not even sure it’s a weak suit.

Feeling: Sad, hurt, fearful